Approached in a tasteful manner, the university can be a romantic place for love and affection. But as Valentine’s Day fast approaches, so must an Anvil for the smarmy sycophant couples that carouse around campus together.
Bumping past two infatuated douche-bags while trying to squeeze into a crammed lecture hall, should be cause for a public sack beating. We’re well past the age of lovelorn obsession with the opposite sex. Act like adults for shit’s sake.
If you have a heart-achingly difficult time parting ways with your partner-so you can attend a 50 minute lecture, you have serious developmental problems. Get down on your hands and knees, and grab the little bottle of pills out from beneath your bed. Get back on your meds before someone slaps you with a restraining order, or assaults you out of pure Valentine rage.
Making-out in the path of kids trying to get to class is unacceptable. Digest the reality that in all likelihood, you and your soul mate will suffer a terrible break up before the end of the semester-if not by then, the summertime will be your downfall. I promise.
“Get a room” is no longer apt enough to convey the malice you engender. “Get an identity other than that which you equivocate with your partner” kind of comes close.
“Get the balls to re-acquaint yourself with the friends you ditched as soon as you hooked up with this girl/guy” comes even closer. Make time for yourself-read a book, whatever works. Just let me get to class without having to come anywhere near you, stalker.
