Ah, university. House of scholars. Breeder of leaders. Delicatessen of honey glazed…doctors. Metaphors and tasty meats aside, university is a new and great experience. Since the moment I paid for tuition, my books, and coffee to appease my ever-growing caffeine addiction, I knew I was part of a special group. The impoverished.

Contrary to what many have hoped, money does not grow on trees, and I should know, since I’ve planted many a $20 bill. The average age of university goers is a complicated one. You’re too old to request large sums of money from your parents, and you’re too young to fake your own death and collect the life insurance money under the guise of a Japanese half-sister (I use the name Kasumi). Luckily, I’ve learned to adapt and I’m willing to share that knowledge with you absolutely free (side note: it’s not free).

Expenses can be broken down to five categories: clothing, food, transportation, shelter, and entertainment. We shall examine and remove the unnecessary expenses. Let’s start with clothing.

Personally, I’d save money by going nude, but bitter Canadian winters and federal legislation put an end to that dream. So you’re going to have to learn to be thrifty. For example, if the only difference between a pair of jeans with a designer tag and an identical pair of jeans without the tag is $200, then just buy the tagless jeans and stick on a counterfeit label. Nobody says that in order to be stylish, you have to be economical and well… truthful. But on to food.

Do you really need to eat food? A lot of people who went without food became international heroes; Ghandi, that guy Dave who works at Blockbuster Video, um… Ghandi. However, if you only have to eat food for the convenience of not dying, then try the age old method of cooking. Yes, we all know that cooking was eliminated in a terrible coup run by microwaves and McDonalds but that’s not true. I just made that up. Buying ingredients and making entire meals costs a lot less than instant food. You could try dollar menus at fast food restaurants but unhealthy food could kill you. Have you seen the documentary Super Size Me? I haven’t because I can’t afford the movie tickets. Was it good?

I know we’re all used to driving. My parents have footage of me parallel parking for the first time at the tender age of six months. Insurance, gas, and fines from the DUIs are huge expenses. You know what form of transportation is free? Walking (bet you didn’t see that coming). Jesus never needed a car. He just walked everywhere he needed to go to. Granted, the ancient Romans probably wouldn’t have caught him if he’d had a Ferrari, but how many Roman centurions do you deal with on a daily basis? Two… three tops?

As for shelter, have you ever tried sleeping nestled between two trucks? It’s like a night at a Four Seasons hotel but with carbon monoxide.

Entertainment. You can’t afford it. Forget it.

There you have it. With my advice, you’ll either have mastered your finances or are now more confused than you were before. I’ll just collect my fee now. I don’t accept cheques.