Julien Balbontin/THE VARSITY

When I was in high school, the smoker’s pit was the last place you would ever find me — not that anyone was ever looking. I was raised in a white-collar, eastern-European household by immigrant parents who went to church every Sunday. They lodged me in the Catholic school system where my uniform consisted of a navy polo and khaki pants whose fit truly did make room for Jesus.

Every summer, they shipped me off to the motherland to prevent any negative influences from seeping into my vicinity. The first time I got drunk was at a school football game, and I was unfortunate enough to drink  two sips of jungle juice which subsequently landed me in the hands of two cops and eventually into the presence of my furious mother. I was the only one who went home with a prize that night, and it was for “Lightweight of the Year.”

By all appearances, I was an average, sheltered, law-abiding keener. Even if I had the intention of finding any weed, my 1960’s styled haircut paired with my metal-clad mouth certainly did not attract the sort of crowd that would facilitate the pursuit. In the spirit of the new Liberal majority and their potential decriminalization of marijuana, I was reminiscing to the youthful days of delinquency where my more debaucherous peers were finding crafty ways of evading the Catholic code of conduct we were bound to in high school. There is a surprising amount to be learned from awkwardly wall-flowering at parties and having the cool kids pitieously invite you to watch them have fun.

The McDonald’s Straw

I remember one party where the staple Mac Miller knock-off in the room was already too stoned to take on the task of wrapping yet another mass into a slim, pseudo-cigarette. One of the watered-down coolers I pilfered for the night had me feeling brave, so I asked one of several girls who had hosted their pre-drink in a McDonald’s bathroom to lend us the straw from her cup. This straw served to roll the perfect joint, and it’s a great method for the less coordinated out there looking to get lifted.

What you need:

1 x McDonald’s Straw

1 x Rolling paper

1 x Scissors

Joints are generally larger towards the end than at the tip. The first incision should be made to cut the straw into a cigarette’s length or even a bit shorter. The second incision should be made at the middle of your shortened straw and on an angle towards the end where it will be slimmer. This will create a canoe-like shape. Roll your wrapping paper tightly around the straw, and keep it slimmer towards the “canoe.” Generously pack your weed in, slide the straw out, and spark it like a pro.

The Starbucks Bong

The Starbucks cup is the bigger, lazier sister to the McDonald’s straw joint. For those of you who are not particularly eager to hone the art of rolling, I hear you. In its place, I offer an even swifter solution to your desires. A venti Starbucks cup’s presence at a party is born from the same pre-drinking that takes place at the local McDonald’s bathroom — only, in place of Sprite or root beer, it will likely smell faintly of the passion tea lemonade à la vodka that inhabited it prior.

What you need:

1 x Sheet of Aluminum foil

1 x Starbucks venti plastic cup

1 x Lighter

1 x Bobby pin

Your first step is to acquire some aluminum foil and perforate it. Then, ask the girl you took the Starbucks cup from for a bobby pin. What follows is fairly simple: use your lighter to burn a hole along the body, and make the hole large enough so that your perforated aluminum foil will act as a cradle for your weed. Keep the lid of the cup on, as the opening where the straw would slide in will be a makeshift breath-intake point. With the straw opening at your mouth, turn the cup sideways and pack your weed into the cradle.

The Apple Pipe

I learned about the apple pipe after making the mistake of biting into one. Need I say more?

What you need:

1 x Apple

1 x Aluminum foil

1 x Lighter

1 x Pen

Remove the stem from the apple, and use the pen to bore a hole through the top of the apple. Create a second hole on the side of the apple roughly halfway to the bottom. Have this hole create a passage for air, connecting the bottom hole with the hole you bore at the top. Carve a hollow bowl from the top of the apple, perforate some aluminum foil to cradle your weed, and smoke away.

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