Call them what you want, but the events of the winter Olympics are not all sports.

And so, if we have don’t have to worry about their “purity,” let’s mess with them a little and make a far, far more interesting Olympics.

• Dual Bobsled. There’s nothing quite as boring as seeing one team after another glide down the same course in a minute with performances that are imperceptable from one another save for a few split seconds. It’s like watching a 100-metre sprint, except having each runner go individually. The simple solution: widen the track and allow (or should I say force) both teams to run down the same track at the same time. Think of the passes on the hairpin turns, the crashing of sleds together, the chaos and life-endangering injuries.

• Picnic Skiing. Now does anyone, I repeat, anyone at all watch cross-country skiing? Yes, it requires a great deal of athleticism, but the award for stamina must surely go not to the athletes but to any spectator who manages not to nod off during a 15 km trek.

The solution? Borrow an idea from company picnics and start three-legged cross-country races. The catch would be that you couldn’t choose a partner until the start of the race, resulting in some delightful multi-lingual mishaps, and a chance for that finish guy to finally get a little closer to the Norwegian blonde he’s been eyeing lo these many years.

• Rodeo Skeleton. The talk this year was the return of skeleton after being banned for being too dangerous (it’s the one where you luge, but you do so head first). The problem, methinks, was not its being too dangerous, but rather its being not dangerous enough. Combine it with the moguls and you’ve got a sport. In addition to the instant allegiance you’ll get from every kid who’s ever ridden a crazy carpet, the sport will be an absolute delight to watch and can eliminate the need for judges—he who gets down the hill fastest without veering off the bumpy course wins (and also hurts oneself).

• Western Biathlon. Here’s a sport that shouldn’t go wrong. Shooting and skiing at the same time. But the problem is, they stop one, and then start the other. I’d certainly be much more entertained if instead of plopping down and firing at little circles, the competitors went through a series of western-style townships where, while continuing to ski, they had to take out pop-ups of villains while avoiding the innocent.

• Greco-Roman Figure Skating. The summer Olympics has wrestling. And boxing. The winter Olympics has no fighting at all. But figure skating, with all its judging controversies, shows great, great potential.

We all know the sport’s fixed, so why not just have them duke it out—with skates—while at the same time trying to fit in their mandatory jumps. It would be like watching West Side Story, except all the blades would be on their feet instead of in their hands. And pair would have the benefit of incorporating something the summer games cannot get—tag team action.

• Suicide Downhill. The downhill suffers from the same problem as the bobsled. It’s long, tedious, there’s no direct competition and they never crash. The simple solution—one that would surely increase ratings—is to not show the competitors the course before they go down it. Do they play it safe, or let it all hang out and hope they don’t run into a hairpin turn? Is that a drop-off in front of me or just the shadow of the sun? Does it matter, seeing as I’m going too fast to slow down now—wheee!