Homosexual acts are a sin but being a homosexual is not, at least according to the Catholic Church. This is the message that has been plastered all over Toronto media for the last week. This is also supposed to explain why an Oshawa teen will not attend his high school prom with the person he loves. His Catholic high school accepts him as a homosexual, you see; what they do not accept is his tenacious insistence upon acting in a homosexual way. The same rallying cry has galvanized Catholics who are outraged by their church’s announcement that it will attempt to weed out homosexuality among the clergy.
Of course, most people—Catholics included—realize that the real trouble with the clergy is that unholy trinity of celibacy, secrecy and paedophilia. Homosexuality, just for the record, is popularly understood to be about non-secrecy, non-celibacy and… oh yeah, non-paedophilia! (Oh, there they go confusing homosexuality and paedophilia, a difficulty that I credit to the similarity in sound of the two words. Just try saying paedophile three times fast and tell me it doesn’t sound just like the word homosexual.) The answer, say these well-meaning Catholics, is that homosexuality should be accepted. Homosexual acts are the trouble. They are a sin.
And this might not be as hypocritical as it sounds when you consider that any sexual act that is not undertaken in order to produce children is also a sin, according to the same authority. If that is bad then I don’t want to be good, some of us might argue, but you have to give those Catholics some credit. At least they have managed to establish a consistent and justifiable system.
Over the years, the Church has endured some pretty harsh criticism. I mean, they are almost as persecuted as, say, the early Christians or—god forbid—homosexuals. Do they deserve the dissing? Probably not. Even the most cynical believe that these days people don’t generally go into religion for the power, prestige and privilege that they might have gone into it for some centuries ago. Misguided they might be, some might argue, but ill-intentioned they are not. (And yes, I am fully aware which road good intentions are purported to pave… and in what direction that road is travelled.)
You could almost feel sorry for them. I mean, the most ignorant and bigoted things said about Catholics seem to pass without notice, while the same type of things said about Hindus, Muslims or Jews would—quite rightly—not be tolerated. Yes, Catholicism seems to be the punching-bag religion of choice, at least for North Americans of European descent (maybe we are all just lapsed Catholics at heart?). But the operative word here is almost.
Yes, the Catholic Church has put a lot of thought, time and effort into working out a system. It’s not a perfect system, but what system is? Now if only they could hold to it. But they seem totally incapable of doing just that, and so time after time we see them forfeiting respect in the eyes of the public.
And for those of us who genuinely want to respect those crazy Catholics, it can be frustrating. I mean, these guys are the classic underdogs. They used to be on top. They were huge. They were imperial. They were like Muhammad Ali (well, except for the Black Muslim stuff). They were the champs, but it was taken away from them and now folks are lining up to kick them while they are down. In short, they are just the type of big loser that mediocre losers like you and me would want to root for. (To mangle yet another sport metaphor… public sentiment is like this beautiful, direct pass, arcing through the heavens, falling right into their out-stretched hands…. and still they manage to fumble the freakin’ ball!)
And that is why I have taken the time to compile a complete and concise summary of what needs to be done. I like to call it basic Catholic doctrine for complete idiots. It only has two points. The first one: the clergy are supposed to be celibate anyway. Assuming they take this commitment seriously, it shouldn’t matter whether they are homosexual or not. No sexual acts means no homo-sexual acts. Case closed.
Point number two: Since when have high school proms been fuck-fests? I mean, let’s give those loveable little munchkins the benefit of the doubt, shall we? Are these youngsters Catholic or not? If not, why the separate school board? I have great faith that the prom of Monsignor John Pereyma Catholic Secondary School will be dull… ergh… benign and sexless.
It’s really that simple. It’s really just a question of pretending that sex doesn’t happen at all. And, on a personal note, what’s with the defeated attitude, Catholic people?
You have a system and your system is great. Sure, there will be those that say abstinence and celibacy are untenable ideals in our day and age. I suggest you brazenly ignore these naysayers. That is the Catholic way. You, on the other hand, are brave, strong-of-will and foolhardy. Happy Easter.
