The stunning announcement from the Faculty of Phys Ed. last week (and how often does that happen?) has sent shock waves rippling through a university community that holds its traditions dear. Bruce Kidd, dean and senior statesman of the faculty, announced that, effective next season, the venerable Varsity Blues will be undergoing a name change.
Explained Kidd at a press conference: “Sports are 50 per cent physical and 90 per cent mental. If our players have a negative self-image of themselves when donning a Blues uniform and associating with this admittedly placid colour, then a change is necessary. Our warriors give it their all out there, and the team name ought to reflect that energy and ferociousness.” Kidd added that it was the right time for a change, since with a new stadium and new name U of T’s sports teams could muster up some new energy next season.
Asked to elaborate on what the new name might be, Kidd instead began to sob. “We’re just tired of consistently sucking. Is it too much to ask for one win on the gridiron, just one, before I go to the great end zone in the sky? Just one measly time…”
Though this is clearly an emotional and complex issue, The Varsity is behind the great Kidder 110 per cent. Can a colour usually associated with pleasant days and bad Italian dance songs really inspire trembling in the Marauders or the Lions? Is a beaver mascot the best we can do in terms of intimidation? Not to say that U of T is the only school with a sissy team name, but do we only want to compete with the Guelph Gophers?
Unsurprisingly, campus reaction to the announcement was muted. Youth wings of the Liberal and NDP parties, however, were ecstatic. Young Liberals spokesperson Sue Dion remarked, “It’s wonderful to see such open-mindedness from the phys ed department, especially with a federal election looming. We at the Young Liberals have always felt that the Blues name was an overt promotion of the Conservative party, a moniker that didn’t reflect the ideological diversity found on campus.”
Cleon Jones, the hapless undergrad who lost a bet with his first-year wrestling partner and currently dons the mighty “U of T Beaver” suit at Blues games, could not be more excited. Upon hearing the news, Jones reportedly ripped out his alter ego’s buck teeth and grabbed the biggest bottle of chocolate sauce he could find to finish off the tail. Yorkville fashion designers happening by quickly grabbed the discarded pelt for their upcoming faux line.
The Varsity is calling on its readers to rise to the challenge and restore our school’s battered athletic reputation. We need a new name and a new image that will inspire dread and knee-knocking in our helpless opponents. As you mash apart turkey dinners and demolish carefully-wrapped parcels over the holidays, take a minute to come up with a team name that truly reflects our school’s tenacious spirit.
Email us at [email protected] with your suggestions, and you could win an incredibly interesting prize. Because it’s high time we stopped singing the Blues.
