A gang of Trinity College students waved signs and yelled anti-weed slogans outside Provost Margaret MacMillan’s residence yesterday to protest a professor who they say is stinking up the halls–and Trin’s upper-crust image–with his crazy chronic smoke.
Trinity philosophy professor Doug Hutchinson fought for a space on campus to get relief from a “health condition” (i.e. stressin’!) by smoking medical marijuana. Although he finally got reluctant administrators to lay off and let him light up in his own private spliff-smoking room in Trinity’s basement in September, he’s since had to deal with complaints from Trin’s ultra-conservative students that his wacky tobaccy is making the venerable college’s halls smell like Snoop Dogg’s limo. But Hutch has a message for such students: “Chill out.”
“Those UCC squares can’t Bogart every room in this old mausoleum for their cheese appreciation club meetings,” said Hutchinson. “I need my OHIP-covered Mary Jane before I can lecture on…uhhh…y’know, stuff. Say, are those Cheetos you have there?”
Students at the protest made it clear that they weren’t anti-drugs or anything–they simply claim that grass is for “the little people.”
“God knows everyone needs a toot of blow before a big exam,” said Elizabeth Worthley Ford, Trin debutante and chairperson of the Trinity wine-tasting society. “But blunts are just so, well, plebian. It isn’t befitting a college of Trinity’s stature and age. It would make more sense if they gave him a room at Woodsworth or UC.”
One student complained softly that smoke wafting into the vents from Hutch’s jazz cigarettes may carry mold particles that could aggravate a cough.
“My mummy says I’ve a delicate constitution and can’t be around bad students who huff ganja,” he sniffled. “I just didn’t think I’d have to avoid my Cicero professor! But he always smells funny.”
Students worry that Trinity’s reputation as a paragon of the time-honoured duo of drinking and date rape is at stake. “It’s so difficult to make unwanted advances on drunk girls when you’re stoned,” complained Cecil M. Gainesborough III, a Trinity student who frequents parties. “You just end up giggling too much.” Then he seemed to reconsider his statement for a moment.
“Sorry, I mean women,” he added. “Difficult to rape drunk women.”
Gainesborough III then added, “If we have to put up with that hippie’s pot den then we should be granted a special room for drinking and date-raping. It’s only fair.”
At least one fellow professor is taking the UCC brats’ side in the matter.
“Hutch is always high as a kite and blabbering on about Epicurus and God knows what else,” he said. “Why can’t I have a basement room to smoke my cigars in?”
