Making his way up to his laboratory, Ian Boulton stopped for a brief rest on the stairs. The top of the staircase stood just a few feet away, but Boulton couldn’t seem to muster the physical and mental strength to continue. Gathering his willpower, he climbed the last few stairs towards his lab. Then, bracing himself with his other hand, he pulled on the wooden door.
What happened afterwards remains a blur in his mind. Boulton never made it to his lab that day. He was found outside the door, sprawled unconscious on the floor.With barely 100 pounds to his six-foot-one frame, Boulton had refused to accept that he suffered from an eating disorder. After this, he finally started to realize that he had an illness. On that day, Boulton decided to get help for anorexia. “I’m very grateful that those things happened because that’s the point where people either … get busy living or get busy dying,” Boulton said, quoting a line from the movie The Shawshank Redemption. Boulton developed anorexia during his early 20s while studying biochemistry at the graduate level in London, England. Born and raised in Scotland, Boulton’s accent immediately distinguished him as a foreigner in England. Consequently, he was subject to prejudice. Facing discrimination, clinical depression and estrangement from his family all contributed to Boulton developing anorexia.
Boulton’s initial motivations for increasing his exercise regimen and decreasing his food intake seemed completely rational. He explains that his anorexia was never connected to losing weight but driven by a desire to improve his physical fitness, functional level, and athleticism.Images and messages conveyed on television, in magazines and from people around him emphasized the importance of a healthy diet and exercise for males. Therefore, Boulton, a lean man at the time, believed that building on these principles would simply result in a healthier physical state and frame of mind.
For almost a year, Boulton continued to starve himself and followed a rigorous exercise routine. During this time he recalls feeling better than he had ever felt before. He quickly made a connection between starvation and experiencing a feeling similar to intoxication or feeling “high.”This sensation is called a “foraging response.” It is the body’s instinctive reaction to continuous hunger. “There is a particular physical sensation that comes with starvation and … some people dig it,” Boulton said. “We’re not talking about the same kind of intensity as crack or heroin but there is an attraction to it.” The buzz from starvation slowly began to fade, as did Boulton’s weight. He dwindled to 98 pounds, finding himself in a place that petrified him but from which he could not escape.
Recalling some of the psychological affects of the illness, he said anorexia alters a person’s thoughts and mental capacity. “Effectively you’re in a fairly paranoid state, much of which is based in irrational beliefs,” Boulton said.Dismantling that irrational belief system is one of the first obstacles in the recovery process. However, in his search for treatment, Boulton quickly learned some family physicians hold irrational beliefs about men and anorexia.
While the first two physicians he visited failed to recognize his illness, he continued to seek help. He realized he was looking for help in the wrong places.
“What I was dealing with was a complicated and deep-seated, psychological, physical, emotional condition that realistically required special assistance.” Finally, Boulton received the appropriate treatment for anorexia from a psychotherapist. He says overcoming anorexia was the most difficult task of his life. Nevertheless, during his recovery he completed his PhD and began in-depth research on anorexia in males.
Boulton now speaks openly about his experience and continues to research eating disorders, body-image mythology and other body-morphing illnesses. He has also published several papers on those subjects. In addition, he works with youth suffering from eating disorders and other body-image illnesses. For his ability to fight anorexia and his commitment to raising awareness of eating disorders and other mental illnesses, Boulton received an award at the 2002 Courage to Come Back Awards. Hosted by the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH), the annual event honours individuals from across Ontario who have displayed determination and courage in the face of mental illness and addiction.
Paul Kwasi Kafele, director for corporate diversity at CAMH, says speaking openly about one’s experience is not an integral part of the recovery process. On the other hand, the Courage to Come Back Awards dinner is an opportunity for some people to share their experiences with others in hopes of prevention and inspiration. “The benefit of the event is that it shows the triumph of the human spirit and it can inspire others,” Kafele said.
Boulton admits he enjoys speaking publicly about his experiences with anorexia. Still, he feels humbled by awards. “All I did was survive,” Boulton said. “I don’t do the work that I do to win awards. I do it because it feels like the right thing to do.”
Boulton now works at U of T as director and assistant professor in the Faculty of Medicine. He will be attending the 2004 Courage to Come Back Awards on May 20. Proceeds from the event will go to the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health.
