The polymorphously perverse pageant that is Halloween has been beloved by costumed candy-seekers young and old as long as there have been children with magic in their hearts. But why, you might ask, can’t I enjoy it all year long? The Varsity says: you can.
Let gawking know-nothings watching you in the streets be damned-Halloween has secrets we need to unlock every day.
Halloween in the workplace
Suggest the idea of Freaky Fridays in lieu of Casual Fridays on your office’s bulletin board, and watch the enthusiasm rise.
Don’t you love it when that bootylicious secretary comes to work in a scanty PVC pirate wench costume she bought last night at the adult entertainment shop at Yonge and Wellesley? Don’t you love it when your boss gets drunk and tries it on?
When you come dressed in some cool costume, like, I don’t know, Batman, and finally, nobody yells at you or makes fun of you anymore? Everyone loves it! Make sure to pitch costume ideas to your co-workers.
Romantic Halloween
Nothing lets you get close to that ‘special someone’ like a spooky-themed Valentine’s dinner and a movie. Share your innermost thoughts over pumpkin soup, apples that you’ve pulled from a bucket of water with your teeth, and cute little bat-shaped cookies. Then watch a movie that’s romantic and scary at the same time, like Ghost. Or Gigli.
Halloween at family time
Weddings and barmitzvahs are kind of hard to work with, as there’s usually a dress code at the reception hall the party is at. Have some fun with this by dressing up as a priest or a rabbi and seeing how far you can get with your own ceremony.
Funerals are a bit easier, since they’re already pretty gloomy. Count Dracula fits in really well, as he wears all black. It really lightens the mood if you ‘pretend’ to bite Aunt Bess’s neck during visitation.
Halloween in times of crisis
Visiting grampa at the hospital can be even drearier than a funeral, so some Halloween dressup fun is exactly what the doctor ordered. Bring junior dressed as a cowboy with his six-shooter and have him pretend to ‘trick-or-treat’ at each patient’s bedside. Lord knows a little jolt is usually all these pensioners need to get a little blood flowing. The key word is ‘pretend’!
And remember, don’t thank me-pay it forward!
