Prognosticating the season is a piece of cake, especially if you do it with a twist. As the National Football League gets underway, the following will happen over the course of the season.
Reggie Bush and Michael Vick will be traded for each other, and no one will know the difference.
Fed up with his constant whining, Drew Bledsoe will challenge Terrell Owens to a duel. Angered by his lack of balls, T.O. will accept. The two will kill each other using a medieval mace, a large tuna, and sheer wit. Coach Bill Parcells will watch with a knowing grin, and then eat a dankalicious Tex-Mex burrito.
Shaun Alexander, a victim of the Madden 2006 video-game cover jinx and the jinx of being the best player on the losing team of the previous Super Bowl, will spontaneously combust after dropping a Matt Hasselbeck pass. Coach Mike Holmgren will complain to an official.
Tired of watching the poor quarterbacking of Oakland’s Aaron Brooks and Denver’s Jake Plummer, a hungry John Madden will eat a delectable Al Michaels after Michaels fails to see the folly of it all.
In the waning seconds of week nine’s epic game between Indianapolis and New England, kicker Adam Vinatieri will line up for the potential game-winning field goal, take a deep breath…and rip off his Colts jersey to reveal a Patriots jersey he had been wearing all along! He will purposely shank the kick and run in to the cheering throngs of fans, as a rabid Tom Brady bludgeons an unsuspecting Peyton Manning with Marvin Harrison.
The Eagles will win the Super Bowl. Citizens of Philadelphia will have no idea how cope with the loss of perennial losing, and in retalition the city will outlaw cheesesteaks. The move makes Libertyville the healthiest city in the U.S.A.
Toronto will inherit the Buffalo Bills. Buffalo will rejoice.
