Soldier
Where you go: Just google Canadian Forces and you can join right now!
Courses you need: There are 28 commissioned officer careers and 73 non-commissioned jobs. It doesn’t matter if you went to the Royal Canadian Military Academy or a dental school, they’ll take you and put you somewhere
But really: It’s pretty open, though if you specialized in cinema studies or child psychology, your time might be better spent elsewhere
When can I start?? Non-coms can begin basic training whenever. Officers take varying amounts of extra training depending on their qualifications and what exactly they’ll be doing, but count on two years of work, at least
Exclusions: Pacifism, safety
Costs: Only your tax dollars at work
Pays: $30,000, or $40,000 for
Lawyer
Where you go: One of 25 Canadian law schools. You can take your pick: there’s the Akitsiraq Law School at Nunavut Arctic College, or usual suspects like U of T, Carleton, and York, whose Osgoode Hall is Canada’s top-ranked
Courses you need: A minimum two years of undergrad with a focus on writing and critical training—yes! Even an English major can do this!
But really: You’ll need a BA at least. Osgoode Hall only accepts 10 per cent of its qualified applicants, with an average entry GPA of 3.54, and an LSAT ranking in the 82nd percentile
When can I start?? Count on four years in law school, and then articling with a firm for at least a year, until called to the bar and admitted to the profession (unless you fail the bar exam, that is)
Exclusions: Being able to work in different jurisdictions without jumping through regulatory hoops, being absolutely sure of the difference between right and wrong
Costs: $14,000 a year at Osgoode, and around $7,500 on nationwide average
Pays: New lawyers in Toronto make $56,000 to $97,000 in the mid-salary range
Actor, Writer, Painter, Designer, Musician, and/or other artist
Where you go: The actual real world. Universities and colleges offer a vast number of programs to prepare you, but lots and lots of painful practice and hazy guidelines is just how it goes. Most of your actual education will be in the school of hard knocks
Courses you need: Why don’t you tell me?
But really: No, seriously, tell me
When can I start?? Failure is probable, but success hard to define. You’ll do your thing from now until you give up or die
Exclusions: Reasoning skills; avoiding work as a temp, retail clerk, or other shit job
Costs: Nothing but years of hard work, and loss of personal stability
Pays: Varies significantly
Doctor
Where you go: Canada has 16 med schools, six of them in Ontario. Big names include U of T, McGill, UBC, Dalhousie, and Université de Montreal
Courses you need: Two years undergrad studies in a health-related field. Bio, yes, poli sci, no
But really: An undergrad degree is expected. Keep in mind that you’re committing at around age 18 to well over a decade of hard study and practice before you’re even allowed to work. Stubbornness, too: many have to apply multiple times before being accepted
When can I start?? After 10 to 15 years, starting with undergrad and ending with a completed residency
Exclusions: Taking the time to write your novel*, being able to say you’ve never sawed open a corpse and shoved in your arms up to the elbow
Costs: Huge! Most students pay their way with a mixture of scholarships and loans. The Canadian Federation of Medical Students recommends that you plan your finances before entering med school, and accept the prospect of graduating deep in debt but with strong earning potential
Pays: Ontario doctors earn $230,000 on average, with thoracic and cardiovascular surgeons earning the most, and pediatrics the least, according to the Canadian Institute for Health Information
Temp
Where you go: Anywhere beige
Courses you need: Whatever
But really: Whatever
When can I start?? Just get your Bachelor’s degree and you’re set for “life!”
Exclusions: Being a doctor, lawyer, soldier, astronaut, aid worker, porn star, architect, city planner, pilot, shipwright, pro racer, engineer, pharmacist, journalist, wildlife photographer, and so on
Costs: On the job training is free of charge
Pays: An hourly wage ranging from $7 to $18, averaging at $11.90 for new temps in Toronto. That’s around $20,000 a year, sadly about the same as a freelance journalist
Architect
Where you go: You have to graduate from an institute accredited by the Canadian Architectural Certification Board. There are 10 of these in Canada, all at major universities
Courses you need: To apply to an architecture faculty, you need a BA, but not in architectural studies. Diversity is valued—you can study pretty much anything in undergrad
But really: You need strong reference letters and a portfolio that shows talent and experience in design, though it doesn’t have to be in architecture. Once you’re in business, it’s easy enough to get by, but to get to the top you’ll have to win lots of competitions, write loopy artist statements, and probably wear funny glasses without smirking
When can I start?? It’s full-fledged grad school, so you’re looking at another four years at the bare minimum, if you work yourself to death’s edge
Exclusions: Laziness, temp work. Note: you must swear an oath to pretend the ROM crystal is cool. Term of oath: forever
Costs: Tuition is around $7,000 per year
Pays: Around $35,000 fresh out of school
Porn ‘Star’
Where you go: Try answering those creepy ads in the back pages of EYE or checking out telephone poles and bus shelters. Remember kids, you can always drop by The Varsity offices any time for more “info”
Courses you need: Strictly for Cinema studies, English, dropouts, and such. Probably not commerce or pre-med
But really: You’ll be frequently tested for STDs— and in the likely event that you catch any, you’re out of work. Or at least will take a pay cut
When can I start?? We’re filming tomorrow
Exclusions: Being a Senator or Member of Parliament*
Costs: On the job training is free of charge
Pays: On average, the porn pay-scale ranges from $21 to $90 an hour (thanks, the Internet!). You can also be paid per scene
