The Longest Yard, at Davisville and Mt. Pleasant, is definitely an appropriate venue for election-watching. A large chart on the wall shows the projected seat totals for the night. My heart sinks right away as I read the expected results: a Tory minority with more seats than the NDP and Liberals combined. Any hopes for a coalition (however unlikely) to topple Harper are dashed before the night even begins. A Tory majority is a distinct possibility, and 155 is the magic number—It’s going to be a rough night.
At this point I wish I was watching playoff baseball instead.
Alex: “Both my parents voted NDP…I voted Liberal. It was a really difficult decision.”
Rob: “You moderate.”
Jade’s family split the left vote between four parties. I get the feeling that the same thing is happening in ridings all over Canada.
The countdown to poll closing has begun. The CBC is using a Telestrator. It makes this silly spectacle seem more like sports—it’s appreciated.
Jade fills in the predicted seat total betting pool. She leaves the Liberals 60 seats before revising her estimate. Math difficulties aside, it is hard to gauge what the end results might be.
A: “You’re predicting 138 seats for the conservatives? Really? That’s pessimistic.”
Jade: “Being a pundit is hard.”
Strombo is now onscreen, doing a lame darts and laurels segment. I get the feeling we’re going to run out of darts soon. The CBC talking heads fiddle with fancy graphics and talk about Twitter and Facebook. We become distracted. The smartest woman in Canada brings us back to speeD: Chantal Hébert is talking and we all listen.
Rob tells us a story about how he worked for the Joe Volpe campaign in 2004.
R: “Suffice to say, I didn’t vote for Joe Volpe this year.”
The first of several sad newsflashes rolls in: Elizabeth May lost her valiant battle against Peter McKay. Even in defeat she is impressive. We are sad that she lost.
A: “I love her scrappy attitude. I love how messy she looks. When she comes to the fore she is so pulled together.”
Early results say 24 seats for the Liberals and 17 for the Conservatives. This lead will not hold.
ChandleR: “I voted for Olivia Chow. Maybe I should have voted for Chester Brown.”
We laugh, but not for long. It is 9:50 and the Liberals are already losing badly.
Dan: “What time is it?”
R: “A third of the way to a Conservative majority.”
Ontario’s results are coming in.
R: “Markham?!?”
D: “Seriously, Oshawa?!?”
J: “Niagara let us down.”
We pound our fists on the table when Trinity-Spadina appears on the screen. It’s a close race.
It’s not even 10 p.m. and the Conservatives have broken 100 seats. Mansbridge delivers the news: the Conservatives are already predicted to win the election, the only question is whether it will be a majority or minority. We boo loudly and receive a solidarity boo in response. More beer is ordered immediately.
We discuss the possibility of moving to the States if Obama wins.
D: “Austin, Texas is nice.”
A: “Athens, Georgia!”
C: “I’m moving to Sweden.”
The election already a forgone conclusion, we sink further into our seats and beers.
D: “It’s like watching a slow-moving, non-exciting train wreck.”
It’s 10:08 p.m. The Conservatives are beating the Liberals 118-71. The Bloc have more than half the number of seats the Liberals have.
D: “We are getting skunked.”
Trinity-Spadina comes up again. The Liberal candidate, Christine Innes, is actually winning. A loud “YES!” erupts from the bar. This man clearly played the long odds and may win big.
Jim Flaherty is winning in my home riding of Whitby. Damn that little leprechaun. Although I guess it makes sense for a leprechaun to be in charge of Canada’s finances.
The projected results are becoming dangerously close to a Conservative majority: 132–74. Most patrons’ faces are sullen.
At least Justin Trudeau won in his riding. We wonder when he’ll be experienced enough to helm the rapidly sinking ship that is the Liberal party. An interesting fact edifies us all: the NDP have never won a seat in Quebec.
Then we learn something else: it turns out Wendy Mesley and Peter Mansbridge used to be married.
R: “How can they talk about politics when they’ve done everything else?”
Bob Rae is talking. We all hush and listen. Then, more bad news.
R: “This is coming down to the wire. The Liberals haven’t won a seat in half an hour!”
How about Tulsa, Oklahoma? I hear it’s nice this time of year.
C: “Philadelphia is the new New York.”
The results from the West Coast are rolling in. Finally, we have our answer.
J: “It’s only a minority!”
R: “We need to be really happy about this. It’s crisis averted.”
The inevitable follow-up question: Is Dion done? We quickly decide that the answer is “yes” and move on. Stéphane, we hardly knew ye.
Things are getting close again—it looks like the Conservatives have 146 seats. It seems they will not reach the threshold of a catastrophic majority. This election came way too close.
We reminisce about better times to keep our hopes up.
D: “Who was the best PM?”
A: “Trudeau. He cut our training wheels off.”
R: “But Pearson won a Nobel Peace Prize.”
J: “Laurier.”
It’s not quite 11 p.m. and the election is wrapped up. The Conservatives fall short of a majority by 10 seats. After a few minutes, the bar is almost empty.
R: “Volpe pulled it off. I don’t like him.”
A: “I feel like shit. Everything went wrong. Fuck the world—all my hopes are dashed!”
J: “Ontario let us down.”
The final numbers show they diD: the Conservatives have a larger share of the popular vote than the Libs. It’s official, then—Ontario has turned on its beloved party.
A: “We are completely voting against our own interests. We stood to lose the most in this election.”
Ignatieff turns up on the screen. He is talking like he is already leader of the Liberal party—smug and smarmy. Alex points out that he looks a lot like Henry Rollins.
Over the course of a few short hours, the fate of our country has been sealed. Rob says what we’ve all thinking as we peer into our beers, nervously contemplating the future:
R: “Liberals did badly tonight!”
Oh well. Won’t be long until the next election.
