Of all of the topics that get people riled up—the government, the recession, school—nothing appears to get some people more worked up than the mention of someone walking slowly on a sidewalk. “I hate them!” they start shrieking, covering me in a fine mist of saliva. “I hate them and we should start beating them with hammers!” Slow-walkers are infuriating, and the wrath they incur from pedestrians who actually need to get somewhere in a reasonable amount of time is totally justified.
Although it’s over a topic with significance somewhere between “totally useless” and “David Naylor’s armpit hair,” people get more worked up about slow-walkers than they do over flat fees or healthcare. I’d like to advise all the protest groups on campus to stop yelling at Simcoe Hall, and start moving really slowly on St. George. You’ll get the attention of the masses, if only for the 30 seconds before they start using your signs to beat you to death.
I can see where they’re coming from, though. We’ve all been there, rushing off to some important class or appointment, only to be stuck behind some jackhole mincing along at a pace rivalled only by the homeless guy that’s currently asleep on a doorstep. You try to get around him, only to be blocked by one thing or another, and then he swerves directly in front of you, cutting you off, causing your brain to think up ways to just grab that branch over there and start whacking him in the shins, while shouting, “How you like me now, hahaha!”
Sorry, moving on: One of my favourite types of the “people who need to get the fuck off the sidewalk now” are those large gaggle of girls trying to get to the club wearing giant high heels in winter. They fan out across most of the sidewalk—up to and including the bike lane and carpool lane—and walk at approximately 0.0000001 km/h, all the while bitching incessantly about how much their feet hurt. “Oh my gawwwwd,” they screech. “My toes hurt soooo much!” When stuck behind them, the general reaction is usually to curse, try to go around them by stepping out onto the road, and (because this is Toronto) be immediately hit by about eight cars. Because of these hazards facing people who walk at a normal pace, I have some solutions that I hope will help remedy the problem.
Much like how we handle traffic violations, the city should start cracking down on the scourge of slow walkers clogging our streets. There should be officers set up at so-called “hot spots” in the city, where lazy pedestrians are known to be an issue. Using speed guns and cameras, people walking under a certain set speed would be pulled over and ticketed. Couples caught taking up an entire sidewalk while holding hands will be forced to separate and walk on opposite sides of the street. Large groups taking up entire parade routes worth of walking space will each be ticketed, tarred and feathered, and then released in Scarborough. The guy on his iPhone (yes, the one talking to the tiny microphone on his headphones) will be made to strip naked and run through the Robarts stacks, all while narrating it over loudspeaker for the amusement of others (“I’m almost done… and…Hey, who are you? Oh my god, get these grad students off me!”)
When it comes down to it, slow-walkers slow the rest of us down. We have places to go and people to see, and these dilly-dallyers prevent us from getting there in a reasonable amount of time.
But seriously, I hope that there comes a day when we can all live together happily no matter what speed we choose to enjoy the world at. Until then, get the fuck out of my way.
