If you’ve never heard of pickup basketball, allow me to explain this perfect disaster.
Pickup basketball is essentially the same as organized basketball, only it’s not organized at all. There’s no timer, no scoreboard, and nobody judging your performance.
In other words, it doesn’t have any of the pressures or constraints that have made organized sports a drag for some people and a complete nightmare for many others.
There are also no referees, meaning there aren’t any real rules, which is especially helpful for people who don’t know them. What’s more, only half the people participating in pickup games have played competitive basketball before, which drastically reduces your chances of being the worst player there.
Pickup games run throughout the week at both Hart House and the Athletic Centre, during scheduled hours.
But the best games on campus happen by fluke during evenings and weekends, when a few people observe a few others shooting a basketball aimlessly. One party asks the other if they can join, and sweet beautiful chaos ensues.
Pickup basketball is appealing for a number of reasons, but most of all because it lowers the stakes, while maintaining a sense of competition. That isn’t to say that people aren’t playing to win and won’t do what they need to in order to feel superior. It’s just that no one cares.
Here are some tips that will help even reluctant players find their game:
1
If you’ve been accepted to university, playing pickup basketball shouldn’t be a problem.
Unlike intramural sports, pickup games require minimal to zero organization. If you can separate bodies evenly and understand that the objective of basketball is to score on the other team’s basket and stop them from scoring on yours, then you’re ready to play. If this is still too complicated for you, don’t worry. I’ve seen some pretty miserable pickup games turn into ultimate Frisbee with a basketball.
2
There’s no secret handshake or criteria for playing.
The Free Masons don’t finance pickup basketball games like they do, say, bingo or beer league baseball. That means you can’t eat, drink, or hurl vulgarities at other players on someone else’s dime. Now here’s the bright spot: no one playing pickup will ever discriminate against you for doing any of these things. Moreover, they won’t exclude you because you don’t fit the mould of what a basketball player should be.
If you think you’ll be the worst player there, consider the point I made earlier about most players being inexperienced and shaky on the rules. Now imagine that you’re Waldo in a gym full of slightly altered faux-Waldos. Is an hour of basketball really enough time to positively ID the worst player?
Or take me, for instance.
Other participants have asked me on several occasions if I’m well enough to play, because my appearance gave them the impression that I could collapse at any moment and would require one of them to perform CPR. I would explain that my red face and heavy breathing was because I smoke cigarettes and not the result of some health problem that I knew about. So while they may have lost their ability to sympathize with my dry heaving, they didn’t say, “Go home,” which was enough to make me confident that they would perform CPR if push came to shove.
3
Rules insult your intelligence. Pickup is about thinking outside of the box.
You probably heard it a million times from your high school guidance counsellor: rules are made to be broken. Now obscure the context of that remark, so you can use it to justify actions you know are wrong.
I once played a game at Hart House where one person decided that travelling should be after three steps instead of two. There was no reasoning behind this, just as there shouldn’t have been. Like they say, “When in Rome, do as the Martians do.”
4
Dennis Rodman wasn’t a successful basketball player because he was good at it. He was successful because he understood his opponents’ boundary issues.
The quality of competition in the average pickup game at U of T ranges from very poor to very good. If you happen to be on the very poor end and are covering someone who is very good, you need a competitive advantage. I recommend a variety of disruption techniques that will improve your play at both ends of the court.
Defence: The key to playing good defence is unsettling your opponent without making it clear to everyone that you’ve crossed a line. Here’s what a coach taught me. Look into your opponent’s eyes longingly until that person is visibly uncomfortable. Then, when he drops his guard, make a play for the ball. Seriously, this is what a coach taught me.
Another technique is to talk to your opponent like a celebrity you knew prior to being famous, e.g. “I guess you’re too good to talk to regular people now” or “What’s your problem anyway?” At the very least, this will compel your opponent to raise his arms and swivel his head uncontrollably—the universal sign for “This guy’s nuts!” Everyone there will think you’re a little strange, too. Look, whatever, go for the ball.
Offence: On offence you can be a little more creative and even adlib if that’s your thing. One of the best distraction-method players I ever faced used the seagull technique. Simply, the seagull technique is where you make squawking noises, like a seagull, and waltz to the basket while everyone else tries to put the pieces back together.
Of course, I realize that some people have limits to what they’ll do, and since you might play with the same people again, you probably want to avoid lasting nicknames like “seagull guy” or “gully.” In that case, a little physical play never hurt anyone. Just don’t get yourself in a real pickle by drawing someone else’s blood.
