DISCLAIMER: This article contains graphic language. Read with discretion.
“Um, excuse me, do you know where the steakhouse is?” says Preston from the driver’s window.
“Oh… no, um, actually, I’m on vacation now,” says Maggie, on the sidewalk. “Yeah, I dunno.”
“You’re on vacation?”
“Yeah, they have little signposts around here, I’ve been checking them out — they kinda give you directions. What’re you looking for?”
“The Knife.”
“The Knife?”
“The Knife, it’s a steakhouse, Argentinean. We’re from Atlanta —”
“Sounds really good right now, I’m so hungry”
“Where are you from?”
“I’m from Texas… what, you don’t like Texans?”
“No, I shoulda known, ‘cause you’re pretty cracker.” He laughs. “I mean look at you, I can tell you’re from Texas.”
She laughs — a sharp burst of laughter. “Houston!”
“Houston? For real?”
“Well, the Woodlands.”
“Are you a cougar? Are you a Houston cougar? Isn’t the University of Houston there, right? Cougars?”
“I think so, I thought you meant, like, cougar like an older lady. Do I look old?”
“Naw, you’re not a cougar like that,” says Preston. “Well, listen: in order for you to come eat with us, you gotta get in this creepy van.”
“It’s kinda creepy,” says Maggie.
“How old are you?”
“Twenty-three.”
“Nah, nah — how old are you really?”
“Twenty-three.”
“Are you?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“No, I was just wondering — you have to be at least twenty-one to get in. But only one thing: we can’t go to The Knife, it’s too expensive. It’s like thirty-five bucks a person.”
“I’m not worth thirty-five dollars?” Another of her sudden laughs.
“Aw, okay, yes you are.”
“Hello everyone, welcome to the most exciting episode yet of The Penny Show. I’m your host, Penny, and today we’re gonna have the wannabe world-famous porn star, Preston Parker.”
Every week, from the basement of her house, Penny, a college student, welcomes porn stars, sex therapists, and friends who want just to embarrass their exes to be guests on her Internet chat/porn show, distributed by the Bang Bros porn network. Today’s guest is Preston Parker, the host of BangBus, Facial Fest, and other shows Bang Bros produces. By the time the show is over, Penny will have jumped over the desk and fucked Preston on the couch.
“How’s your life been? Obviously busy.”
“It’s been good, y’know,” says Preston. “Lotta work, lotta good times.”
“So tell us a little about yourself.”
“Um… I’m a porn star, and do a lot of shooting, a lot of filming, a lot of…”
“Girls?”
Preston smiles. “A lot of girls, I guess. How ‘bout you?”
“Mmm, same amount… So how’d you get started in porn?”
“Good question. I, uh… how’d I get started… I met the right people, I guess.”
“Do you like it?”
“Yeah. I like it.”
“That’s good. So, why does your website say, ‘The Man, the Myth, the Legend’?”
“Oh yeah. Yeah… I don’t know who wrote that, but… y’know, it sells, I guess.”
“So who’s your favourite girl to work with?”
“Hmm… well… you know what, I was gonna say you, but…”
“…but I’m a jerk?” She laughs.
“No, no, I like you. In fact, I had sex with you, and it was amazing. Y’know, I think… you’re young. Your blowjobs are gonna be better one day. I promise.”
She laughs. “Oh, you’re an asshole.”
“I promise it will.”
Preston Parker has no Twitter. He has no Facebook fan page. There is only one email address on all of BangBros.com, and it isn’t his. Aside from The Penny Show, there are no interviews with him anywhere. He used to model as “Dillon,” and for all I know that could be his real name. IMDB also lists “Chris,” “Chris Parker,” “Dillon Parker,” and simply “Preston.”
Aside from his early modelling work, he works exclusively for Bang Bros, and unlike Gonzo porn founding fathers like Max Hardcore and John “Buttman” Stagliano, we almost never see his face. He hosts BangBus, but he just holds the camera, talks the girl out of her clothes, and cheers on as one of his bros fucks her. On Facial Fest he takes a lead role, interviewing an aspiring porn star at his office and fucking her himself, but again, he holds the camera, and we almost never see his face. Just his ten-inch dick and legendary cumshots I can pretend are mine.
There’s a video on the Internet proclaiming Preston “the new Peter North” for his ejaculations. The Penny Show is the first time I’ve seen his face.
“How many girls have you made love to?” asks Penny.
“Made love to, or had sex with? There’s a big difference.”
“I dunno… sex.”
“Sex? I dunno… two thousand?” Preston nods. “So how ‘bout you?”
“Girls?”
“Yes.”
She pauses. “Three?”
“Three girls? Did you ever have an orgasm?”
“Mmmmm… not with girls.”
“Have you ever had an orgasm?”
“Of course.”
“How many guys have you had sex with?”
“Mmmmm… twenty… five?”
“Times three is…?”
A pause. “No…”
Preston smiles. “That’s normally how it works.”
“Really? No, I’m trying not to lie right now.”
“No, I believe you, but most of the time…”
“No, that’s actually about right.”
“Twenty-five? And you’re eighteen?”
“Mm-hmm.”
He nods. “Good start. That’s a good start.”
“I talk a lot, yeah,” says Maggie, with an exaggerated nod. “Finally,” says Preston. “I’ve found someone who talks as much as I do. Do you have, like, ADD something?”
“Yeah, uh I guess you could call it that, uh… manic bipolar?” She shrugs.
“Manic bipolar? Oh, that’s cool.”
“Well, I just, like, don’t have a filter…”
“Manic bipolar… so, what is ‘manic’?”
“It’s like when I can’t stop talking, or, like, like, honestly, like, it means I’m horny all the time, that’s the biggest thing, like, my mother hates it because I’m so, like, I was sheltered and all that. No, I’m serious, I know that sounds weird in a group of guys, but I’m like a nympho for real, I’ve been diagnosed, they’re putting me like on these medicines for it and it’s really, as you can tell I talk a lot…” She trails off.
Preston and the other guys laugh. “No, no, no, no, we’re cool. I got all day.” The guys laugh some more. “You know, most girls worry if they’re safe when they get in, but I’m wondering if we’re safe when you got in.”
“Well, I mean, this is kind of a weird situation, I’m sitting in a van with, like, some dudes and shit in here, I’m not really from, like, around here and shit, I mean, it’s kind of a weird situation. I like weird situations — that’s why I’m in it right now, but, I got a bit… what’s the fuckin’… I’m a little… you know what? I’m not normally intimidated or nervous, but I’m a little intimidated right now, ‘cause this is a little sketchy.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m being straight up — this is a little sketchy.”
“See, nine out of ten people woulda figured that out before they even stepped in the van.”
“Well, I like that.”
“And you obviously like this.”
You can’t fake a cumshot. I think that’s why they’re so popular. Preston may have hired his BangBus girl in advance, and her moans of pleasure may sound a little over-the-top, and maybe it’s a little suspicious she doesn’t find it unusual that one of the bros would just come on her face without any warning, but ejaculation is ejaculation. It is definitively real.
Preston’s appeal is that he could be anyone, and the same goes for the girls. They’re not all classic beauties. Some of them have pimples on their asses and razor burn on their crotches. I keep hoping I’ll see girls from my high school. The ones who dropped out early. The ones who, rumour has it, sometime around grade six or seven, might have let a guy suck their nipples, or given handjobs, or maybe even had sex. Which, of course, meant they were sluts.
In 2004, the Miami New Times published “The Ride to Perdition,” an article by Kris Conesa, about a woman who agreed to participate in a BangBus shoot with her boyfriend to pay for an abortion. The boyfriend took all the money, and the video reached a much wider audience than she had anticipated, including her customers, co-workers, and her brother. I’m not sure what I find more troubling: the girl’s misery, or the fact that Preston doesn’t just pick those girls up with his charm and his dick.
“She said she was a nympho, I dunno if you heard her earlier.” says Preston.
“I did say that,” says Maggie. “Because I blurt things, I mean, it’s like, y’know, and then every guy thinks, that’s means there’s a sure fuck…”
“How many guys have you been with?”
“In my life? Or in the last week?”
“In your life. And then we’ll get to last week.”
“Guys, I can’t even, don’t even… I’m divorced, I’m twenty-three and I’m divorced, honey, so, I have an ex-husband and I have an ex-boyfriend, and from there I ain’t, I ain’t, fuckin’…”
“How many in the last week?”
“In the last week? What’s today, Wednesday? Well, I was sick two of those days, but, I mean, at least… I have a girlfriend now, it’s really hard to say, like, she’s my girl, but…”
“It’s so funny; I asked you this question, like, a minute ago…”
“I can remember from today, but I can’t remember last week?”
“How many today?”
“Today?” She holds up her hands to form a zero.
“How many from this week?”
“Oh, I dunno… I mean, at least five, I guess, I dunno…”
“Holy shit.”
“Oh wait, actually, it’s Wednesday, isn’t it? Okay, so, I know this… five. Oh, you include girls too?”
“Yeah, girls too.”
“Girls too? Just five.”
“So where do you find your guys?”
“Okay, literally, like, when I go anywhere and everywhere…”
“I have a crazy question for you.”
“What? Okay, what is it? Ask, let’s do it.”
“I just wanna see her pussy and see what it looks like, y’know, if it’s something you’d wanna fuck or not. Can I see it? Do you mind?”
“So, yeah, you used to be skinnier. Did you gain weight?” asks Penny.
“I gained probably about twenty pounds, yes,” says Preston.
“Any particular reason?”
“Um… probably workin’ a lot. Stopped going to the gym.”
“So, are you single?”
“Yes, I am single.”
“Hard to believe.”
“Hard to believe, yes.”
“So, how big is your penis?”
“I don’t know. Probably ten inches.”
“Really? Pull it out now.” They laugh. “No, I’m serious.”
“Uh, I mean, ten inches of… erectness, I guess.” Preston smiles.
“Come on!” Penny laughs. “Pull out your penis!”
He stands up and unzips his fly. From behind his baby blue boxer shorts, he reveals his flaccid penis. Penny has brought out measuring tape.
“You’re horrible, look at that,” he says.
“That’s really not that bad… five inches. So you’re a liar.”
“I’m not a liar.”
Preston Parker could be any of us. If I was Preston Parker, I could cruise around Miami with my bros in my BangBus, picking up ladies for an “interview” and talking them into fucking us on camera, all within the 55 minutes of a typical BangBus episode. Damn, that’s smooth. If I was Preston Parker, it would be easy. The girls would suck and fuck, fuck and suck, and on and on and on until we would get tired of her and dump her at the side of the road, ’cause a real lady shouldn’t be going around fucking strange men on camera. I’ve gotta have standards. I’m Preston Parker, after all.
BangBus has won five Adult Video News Awards. It earned close to $2 million in 2007. You can find the torrents everywhere. A lot of us want to be Preston Parker.
“I’ve been with a lot of black guys. I actually just started fucking them, like, two weeks ago, but ever since then, like, when they say, ‘Once you go black you never go back,’ I’ve only fucked one white guy since I’ve gone black. I’ve fucked Puerto Ricans, like Mexicans, like, light-skinned guys, but…”
“Since Wednesday this week? When did the week start for you?”
“Today’s Wednesday? Last Wednesday? I can’t remember who I fucked — I fucked, last Wednesday I fucked three people, I know that much.”
“On Wednesday?”
“Last Wednesday.”
“You fucked three different guys? Where did you find them?”
“I seriously, like, I’m not even joking, like, when you come up to me, that wasn’t that weird, ‘cause, I go, like, what I do, like, if I saw him, like, somewhere in a gas station, I’d be like, ‘Hi, are you single —’”
“How do they ask you? Do they give you money for it?”
“Money?”
“Yeah, to have sex with you.”
“Why? I don’t want money. I don’t need it.”
“You don’t want it, but… well, everyone needs money.”
“Mmmm, not me.”
“Yeah, you need money. I mean, you need food, right?”
“Uh… I dunno, you’re talkin’, uh, I, uh, no, no. I get it somehow.”
“So, what I wanna do is, I wanna, I mean… You said you’re a nympho.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“I wasn’t kidding earlier when I said you should put this dude’s dick in your mouth.”
“Oh!”
“You like dick in your mouth, don’t you? Or you just wanna be pounded?”
“I like both.”
“Then, just do it. Just pull it out.”
She pulls it out.
“Anyway, have you ever done any gay porn?”
“I haven’t done any gay porn, no.” Penny mumbles something to Preston, and his voice rises slightly. “I didn’t jerk…” He leans his head back and smiles and sighs. “Yeah, I did actually, I jerked off, but that’s all I did. I didn’t know what you meant by ‘gay.’ Like, touching other guys? Hell no.”
A cameraman speaks. “What about being massaged by them?”
“Were you massaged by other guys?” asks Penny, laughing.
“No, hell no.”
“Roll a clip,” says the cameraman. On screen we see several glamour shots of Preston: shirt unbuttoned to reveal sculpted abs; fully nude from behind, his firm ass cheeks clenched; nude from the front, a red pepper placed to obscure his penis.
“So what’s up with you and fruit?” says Penny, giggling.
“Me and fruit? Are you talking about some photos that are out there, on the Internet?”
“I dunno, maybe you like fruit, what’s up with it?”
“Like, big red peppers?” On screen, various pictures of Preston nude, holding fruit. “Oh shit, well, let me explain this story… about a time I did a photo shoot with the wroooong company.”
A lot of Preston’s gay porn is floating around the Internet. Mostly just pictures. “Dillon” with his shirt unbuttoned. “Dillon” with his dick sticking out of his underwear. “Dillon” with his ass clenched. “Dillon” holding fruit over his cock. In Muscle Magic 5, a 2004 release from BG Video, “Dillon” showers and jerks off on a couch, coming on his stomach.
Then another guy massages him, and cups his balls, and strokes his dick until he comes. We don’t see the other guy’s face.
“You are getting better,” says Preston. “It’s starting to work well.”
“Shut up!” says Penny, taking Preston out of her mouth.
“D’you see that fence over there?”
“You’re telling me to walk all the way over there and throw it away?” says Maggie, holding the tissues.
“Just real fast. Just do it, just run over there, I wanna see you naked outside.”
“I’ll really be naked outside?”
“Yeah, just real fast, though.”
“Am I gonna get in trouble?”
“No, you just gotta do it quickly, though.”
“Okay, where do I throw it?”
“Just inside…”
“Inside the fence?”
“Yeah, but you gotta go quickly.”
She runs to the fence. “Go, bro!” says Preston, and they drive away, and they laugh.
“I’m twenty-six, so… my first time having sex, I was almost nineteen.”
“Weird.”
“I know.”
“Now you’re like a love machine.”
“I guess.”
“So can you take off your shirt and flex for us?”
Based on the Bang Bros’ webisodes: BangBus: Paris In ‘True Nymphomaniac’ and The Penny Show: Close and Personal with Preston Parker
