Wrestling fans from all across the globe will be celebrating as the world’s most electrifying stage in sports entertainment returns for the 27th time on Sunday, April 3 in Atlanta.
As usual, this event is in tandem with the final grapple each University of Toronto student has with end-of-semester assignments, presentations, and tests.
Coincidence? I beg to differ.
Professional wrestling, specifically Wrestlemania, and undergraduate studies have more in common than you might think. Forget the fact that you may have pushed your interest in the so-called ersatz sport to the side many, many years ago and ponder this question: have you ever faked it?
Think back to when you were an adolescent and heard the collective moans from kids calling themselves “hardcore” WWF fans. As soon as they found out about the alleged razor technique, they made it their personal mission to tell all the believers that wrestling was, in fact, a sham and denounced their creed, which was that of the crippler crossface.
If you were one of those kids, there is a special spot reserved for you in heretic hell.
Let’s say that there was some merit, though. Maybe the wrestlers are faking it, but can we really blame them?
You must have felt the pressure to deliver at one point, or twelve, in your late teens and early 20s at U of T. The wrestlers in the WWE are coerced into satisfying millions of watchers while receiving massive blows to the head and being verbally attacked by the crowd.
We, the students, have acquiesced in our school’s ability to kill our self-esteem. Just like the wrestlers, we attempt to get our egos back, but rather through academic diligence and a bit of truth-stretching.
But when push comes to shove, some will stop at nothing to get what they want. Enter the art of feigning. Yes, I am making a bold assumption and calling all of us out on one level of lying or another.
Ever cited a panic attack to get a week-long extension on an assignment you didn’t want to hand in, in fear of getting a low mark? Remember getting that exam deferred because of a bout with “explosive diarrhea”?
These precautions were taken not because you wanted to lie, but because you just aspired to live up to the expectations of someone holding much power over you and your career.
The WWE audience is administration at U of T.
It is hard to take in, believe me, I know. We are all just a bunch of performers, toiling away for something much greater than ourselves. And you know what? It doesn’t end there.
In first year, every student at St. George is a jobber, and a big one at that. You come in not having a single clue as to what to expect, other than knowing you are part of the elite.
But then you get your first essay back and your appallingly low mark kills every ounce of confidence you once held in your ability to write an awesome paper.
Unfortunately, jobber comparisons can’t be made between first years and Wrestlemania competitors, seeing as it is exclusively for those whose hearts pump only the fearless blood of tigers. Oh wait, never mind. Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi will be making her sporting debut (I won’t count that blow she took to the face to the face in a club last season) in a 6-person mixed tag team match.
Here’s to hoping she jobbers it up.
And I think we’ve all encountered that one jerk in lecture or tutorial who suffers from delusions of grandeur and doesn’t realize that nobody wants to hear them harangue the professor or make an “intellectual” comment that lacks any purpose to class discussion.
Leave it to the wrestlers to go on insane speeches of self-absorption. We pay to listen to the profs, not you, okay?
If this were a just world, I could deliver a devastating DDT to every one of those fools without suffering any legal consequences.
Wrestlers and undergrads share another thing in common: they end shit abruptly. Whether it be the loss of steam, stamina, or time, it’s bound to happen in matches, essays, and social encounters. At least the wrestlers know how to carry on a conversation, though. Fuck, I have an assignment to write.
Predictions for Wrestlemania XXVII:
1. Canada’s Edge will pummel Alberto Del Rio and retain the World Heavyweight Championship belt.
2. John Cena, Doctor of Thuganomics, will defeat the Miz via FU* and will take back his lameass spinner belt reign as holder of the WWE Championship.
3. Triple H will break the Undertaker’s Wrestlemania winning streak by means of pedigree in this probably epic No Holds Barred matchup.
4. Jerry Lawler will hopefully bury Michael Cole’s ego forever.
5. Randy Orton will RKO CM Punk and hopefully make that Nexus bitch shut his mouth for good.
6. Rey Mysterio AND Cody Rhodes will both lose the match. They will smell what the Rock is cooking.
7. The Undertaker is pissed about his loss to Triple H and RIPs Snooki.
8. I don’t know who Sheamus or Daniel Bryan are. The United States Championship belt is a joke, anyway. Bring back Shelton Benjamin!
Glossary
Razor blade technique: Using a razor blade to create wounds during matches to heighten the audience’s excitement with an onslaught of blood.
Crippler crossface: A punishing wrestling hold perfected by the late Chris Benoit.
Turnbuckle: An important asset to any wrestler who wishes to lay the smack down on their opponent in the corner of the ring.
Jobber: A wrestler who routinely loses matches and is the butt of every joke.
DDT: A wicked wrestling move accidentally invented by Jake “The Snake” Roberts involving a headlock and the forceful drive of the opponent’s head into the mat.
FU: Now known as the “attitude adjustment” because WWE pussied out under pressure from parents; essentially a powerslam.
