Writers, poets, musicians, and filmmakers have long claimed that love is inexplicable. It defies explanation and can emerge almost spontaneously between two people. The Romans explained love’s occurrence through the god Cupid, who would strike unknowing victims with his arrow, causing them to fall in love. Romantic love, the love most celebrated on Valentine’s Day, is a passionate and emotional love between people. What explains these feelings, how do they emerge, and who triggers them? What happens when Cupid’s arrow strikes?
The first step in “falling” is lust and attraction, driven by the sex hormones estrogen and testosterone. These hormones motivate you to look for a mate. When an attractive target is found and an interaction is initiated, the monoamine neurotransmitters take effect. Dopamine, the pleasure molecule and the neurotransmitter that is increased by drugs and sex, makes being with and pursuing the target rewarding. Norepinephrine is also raised, and puts the love-struck in a state of enhanced vigilance to pursue. Lastly, serotonin is also implicated in this process. Known as the policeman of the brain, it regulates cortical function; those deeply in love have been found to resemble individuals with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Romantic love is often associated with long-term commitment, one of the most important predictors of relationship stability that is contingent upon the process of attachment. Attachment is regulated by two hormones: oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin is released by the hypothalamus during childbirth and breast-feeding, and is implicated in the bond formed between mother and child. It is also released during orgasm and is believed to cement the formation of the intimate bond between two partners. Vasopressin has also been found to be involved in the bonding process. It was first examined in pair-bonding between voles, one of very few (less than three per cent) mammals that form monogamous relationships. Voles were also found to have receptors for both oxytocin and vasopressin in brain regions associated with pleasure and reward.
Genes and transcriptional regulators determine the level of translation and abundance of these neurotransmitters, hormones, and their receptors, and raise interesting questions about whether individuals with certain genetic variations are more or less susceptible to forming attachments and falling in love. If so, some predict that accepting marriage proposals may one day involve consideration of the proposer’s genomic makeup.
So what happens when attachment has formed and a couple has made the decision to remain committed? Certain cognitive processes have also been observed in couples that show higher relationship commitment and stability. Greater self-other overlap is positively correlated with relationship stability. This involves the merging of your and your partner’s identity and a cognitive entanglement that makes it difficult to differentiate who you are from who your partner is. Studies have found that couples that take longer to differentiate words descriptive of themselves versus their partner are more likely to remain together than couples who responded faster.
The process of self-other overlap occurs early in a relationship when there is plenty of initial self-expansion. This describes the expansion of one’s self-constructed identity to include the aspects of your partner’s. Early in the relationship there is an abundance of new facets for self-expansion made available to you by your partner’s presence in your life — new friends, new experiences, new interests, and new resources, such as cars, apartments, and other objects. This period eventually slows down as you come to know your partner better and relationship satisfaction plateaus as the serious integration of your partner into your life occurs. Couples who make it past this phase will eventually experience continued self-expansion and increased satisfaction but at a slower rate. This latter phase characterizes the more stable satisfaction found in older couples who have formed a solid basis of companionship.
Couples who are more stable also demonstrate cognitive superiority. They believe their relationship to be better and happier than the relationships of their friends. They also see their partner as better than attractive alternatives. Studies have found that men will denigrate more attractive alternatives more than less attractive alternatives, as very attractive alternatives pose more of a threat to the relationship.
So for those of you lucky enough to be in a loving relationship, or for those who hope to one day be in one, here’s some advice to keep in mind this Valentine’s Day. First, do something new and exciting. Novel activities have been found to be quite effective at increasing relationship satisfaction and buffering against habitual activities and the mundane. Second, do something your partner will really enjoy, and try to enjoy it just as much as they do. One crucial factor found to be important for marital stability and satisfaction is the ability for individuals in a relationship to become genuinely excited and happy for the things that make their partner excited and happy. Lastly, be physically affectionate. Although frequency of sex is positively associated with relationship satisfaction, it is not as strongly correlated as physical affection in general.
