Handjobs are not my cup of tea.
In my experience, handjobs can be cumbersome for all parties involved. Oftentimes, they are a messy, unromantic last resort in the pursuit of a quick orgasm.
As a result of this perception, I was intrigued by a poster for the Sexual Education Centre’s (SEC) Sexual Awareness Week (SAW) event entitled “Handjobs are often underrated.” The poster offered a promise to learn how to deliver a “memorable handjob.”
Given my aversion towards the institution of the handjob, I decided to attend in order to learn how stroking the schlong could somehow be made more riveting.
A little love and a lot of lube
“Does everybody have a penis?” Ray, SEC’s public relations representative, asks, surveying the crowd at the SAW event to make sure all attendees are properly prepared with dildos or cucumbers.
Equipped with faux phalluses supplied by Good for Her on Harbord Street and generous dabs of lube, a large group of curious students like myself sat in the SEC to learn the intricate art of the handjob.
“Handjobs get a bad rap,” she begins, before posing the question of what makes a good handjob. The answer is twofold: lube, and touching with intention.
The first thing to do — and generally a good rule of thumb for beginning most sexual endeavors — is to remove any jewelry you are wearing on your hands and wrists. You might also want to consider wearing a finger condom or gloves as a safe-sex practice.
When it comes to lube, you want to be liberal with the amount you use. “Not all lube is created equal… You have to find the lube for you,” Ray advises. If you opt for a water-based lube, you will want to reapply multiple times throughout the handjob. Silicone options last longer and are better for sensitive skin, but are difficult to wash off and might taste bad. Oil-based options are also long-lasting, but they are not safe with condoms. I am a neat freak and my bed is no exception, so keeping a washcloth nearby is also key if you’re like me.
You want your environment to be safe — but you also want it to be sexy — so set the mood to make yourself feel sensual with music, lighting, and clothing (or lack thereof). Be mindful of your partner’s reactions — gasps, twitches, gripping the sheets — and go slowly. The handjob doesn’t have to be a means towards a fast orgasm — it can be a thoughtful massage that leaves both partners satisfied. Ray reflects on the well-crafted hand job: “It’s magical.”
Getting fancy with the frenulum
With your lube at hand and your mind set, you are ready to begin the handjob to end all handjobs (until your next handjob). Rather than squirt lube right onto the penis, Ray suggests you squeeze it into your hands and rub it onto the penis gently.
She then went over a series of serious shvantz manoevers that are sure to please a panoply of penises.
We started simple with an up and down movement, moving the thumb over the frenulum , which Ray defined as, “an elastic band of tissue that is full of nerve endings.” We then added a twist over the head of the phallus to this move.
This may sound like your basic handjob, but the slow, deliberate delivery of these movements with a healthy helping of lube can be a innovative approach for beginners.
More advanced moves we learned included “The Pluck” or “The Juicer,” wherein you move towards the head of the penis with your fingers towards the base (“like you’re juicing an orange”), and “The Never-Ending,” wherein you always cover the head by cupping it with one hand while the other glides down the shaft and then moves back up, as the other moves down.
Ray highly recommends “The Deep Twist.” In this move, you grasp the base of the penis, move your hand up, twist, move down, and repeat. The schlong might hit against your wrists in this one.
More sophisticated moves we learned were those involving nipples and foreskin, and something called “The Suction” that involves creating suction with the penis between your palms.
The orchestrated orgasm
All of these moves can be done in combination with one another to craft a comprehensive, memorable handjob experience for both partners. In order to make the massage last, communicate with your partner to share when they are close to reaching their climax. Alternate your speed and the levels of pressure you apply to delay the orgasm.
At the moment of the orgasm, keep doing what you’re doing. If you want to switch it up slightly, rub the frenulum with your thumb.
Afterwards, the dick is likely to be quite sensitive and you might consider providing your partner with a warm towel with which to clean themselves off. You can then congratulate yourself on a handjob well done.
For many, the handjob is seen as a youthful precursor to grander horizons that is rarely executed properly — but jerking someone off is more sophisticated than it is perceived to be. Hand jobs are a great safe-sex option and they present an opportunity for creativity and intimacy. Delivering a handjob is like a dance and the dick is the dance floor. With choreography, deep breaths, attention to detail, patience, and, of course, lube, you can treat the trouser snake in your life to a momentous treat.
The SEC is located in Sussex Clubhouse (21 Sussex Avenue) on the sixth floor. Student volunteers are there Monday through Friday, 10 am–7 pm to provide safe-sex supplies and a sex-positive environment. Due to popular demand, SEC will be hosting a second handjob workshop on February 5 at 7 pm at Hart House in the South Sitting Room.
