U of T is a big school — it’s a fact we’re warned of before we get here, and one that’s hard to ignore once we are. For many students, the years they spend here can involve a certain degree of loneliness. Friendships are forged amid large classes and hectic schedules. How is it, then, that romantic relationships come to be?
“Given how stressful the school year is, and how busy people are with courses and clubs, it’s definitely hard to find someone to be romantically attached to,” says Saad Khan, a second-year immunology specialist, “I mean, sure you can make friends and all, but it’s hard to think of things like these when you’re busy doing something important.”
Khan is not alone in this way of thinking. “U of T is a big school in a big city, and while you think that would increase the odds of meeting someone, it just makes it, at least in my case, a bit more daunting,” says Lisa*, adding, “People can get really absorbed into their own worlds…This is my first time living on my own and I’d like to get to know what kind of a person I am before I enter the dating scene.”
Jessica*, a student in the Music Faculty, shares how difficult she found the dating scene in first-year, especially with hook-up culture here to stay. “As a commuter student with a heavy course load and little time to put into extra activities, it was hard to get to know people in general…classes were big, and everyone has a different schedule,” she shares. “[At pub nights], a lot of times, you might not even talk enough to know if they’re interested in more than a hook-up. Nothing is ever clear in hook-ups, people say things they don’t mean while they’re in bed together and can lead each other on. It just leads up to disappointment when you don’t hear back from the other person [afterwards],” she explains.
MAKING THE CONNECTION
Still, while some students struggle to make connections, couples continue to meet and flourish at U of T. Perhaps the most hopeful accounts are those that seem to stumble unexpectedly into being.
“In a big school like U of T, it isn’t so much about meeting people but staying connected once you have met them,” says Gabriel Zoltan, a third-year political science specialist. “I think that mostly entails being yourself and involving yourself in opportunities that allow you to express a passion in your life,” he says.
Ally Scandolo, a second-year art history major, describes how her relationship with Zoltan took off: “We met on VUSAC [the Victoria University Students’ Administrative Council] at the beginning of last year. We talked a few times when we saw each other at meetings or socials, but we only really knew of each other. Towards the end of the year, I was studying alone one night before an assignment was due and he happened to be walking by. I decided to take a ‘break’ that ended up being four hours of us talking. We found out we had a lot in common, then we just started becoming closer and closer friends since our interests lined up so well…We went on our first date the next week during the exam period.”
Ryan and Sharon. RUSABA ALAM/THE VARSITY
Ryan Fan, a third-year computer science specialist, describes how he and his girlfriend, Sharon Wang, also grew closer through campus life involvement. Their relationship grew gradually from hanging out in student spaces, which allowed a forum to connect despite being in different programs. Fan says, “Student spaces are good places to meet people as they are places where people aren’t stressed about school work and just want to enjoy some people time. Going to social events whether hosted by colleges or campus-wide is a good place to meet or bring friends to.”
The Facebook page, ‘Spotted at U of T,’ is full of anecdotes of students struck by a passing encounter with an attractive individual. As it happens, a small crush or hook-up can slowly develop into something more. Ben Atkins, a third year History major, remembers how he was smitten in first year by a good-looking girl at a residence meeting, and came to date her over a year later. (Editor’s note: Atkins was in a happy relationship at the time.)
Ben and Sarah. RUSABA ALAM/THE VARSITY
“I met Sarah* in my first year,” Ben Atkins recounts, “We never talked, but I did remember what an impression she had on me and how pretty I thought she was. Fast forward to October of second year, I’m single and going through a very rough time. One of my best friends lived in residence. We would often hang out together late into the nights during the week, having very deep conversations, getting drunk, and blasting music in his room. I figured out Sarah lived across the hall from him because she’d always come to his door at two in the morning to ask us to turn it down or to stop singing, and every time I interacted with her, I developed more and more of a crush on her…Sarah was in a relationship at the time that ended early in second semester.
Unbelievably, she actually thought I was an interesting guy and started to pursue me on her own…As time went on, we both started to develop feelings for each other…we started going on a few dates, and three months after we first hooked up, we had a discussion and decided to try out a real relationship. That was more than nine months ago.”
SITES OF CONTACT
While many have the chance to get to know someone through in-person proximity, others find their partners through a more modern forum: online.
“I found it pretty tough to meet someone romantically at school, but funnily enough, I had heard of people meeting other students online on [dating sites] like OkCupid,” says Sabina Freiman, a fourth-year neuroscience major. “I decided to give it a shot, and to be honest it began to feel pretty hopeless fairly quickly. After a few uninspiring dates, I decided that online dating really wasn’t all that great after all, that high percentages online didn’t translate into chemistry in person,” she relays.
“One night, I wasn’t really seriously looking to talk to anyone, I was just browsing through matches randomly giving people high scores, but I kind of felt like this was it, this was the last night and I’d quit. Then I came across a profile for a guy who was also interested in medicine — which is a rare find — and [that] I found quite attractive. I gave him five stars and, sure enough, he liked me back an hour later. We started talking, and what had begun as a last hope ended up being great. The best part was that meeting in person felt just as great. It was the right mix of being exciting, yet natural, that made us work well,” she says.
Jenn* describes how a different site, Love at U of T, provided the foundation for a long-term relationship: “I met my boyfriend through an Internet student start up called Love at U of T. I was in my first year while my boyfriend was pursuing his masters. He was the first person I talked to once I set up my account, and I knew from the start that this person was going to be special. After conversing with him for over two months, I finally revealed my name and he revealed his. To my surprise, this person’s older brother mentored me in high school. After contemplation, I finally decided to ask him on a date. He agreed, and we are currently celebrating our third year anniversary.”
Founded in 2011, Love at U of T was a dating website designed specifically for U of T students. Thousands joined the service and favoured it over more professional dating sites for its smaller and safer pool of candidates — the site is now unfortunately inactive.
Although successful at times, online dating may not be for everyone. “I would only recommend online dating if you feel comfortable revealing information about yourself to a total stranger,” the student advises.
So while the prospect of finding love in such a big city and school can seem quite daunting, students still manage to bridge the gap and make lasting connections. “I would always recommend to not primarily worry about making romantic connections first and foremost,” Scandolo advises, adding, “Sometimes those things can develop from friendships. I think it’s most important to forge friendships with people who inspire, support, and interest you. Those people will be able to help you through your time at school. They could even eventually turn into someone whom you want to be with romantically because of your compatibility.”
*Names changed at students request
Editor’s note: Last name removed following a request for anonymity.
