The first time I suggested using a sex toy to my current boyfriend was only four days after we agreed to be exclusively together. We had known each other for months, and he knew how much I cared about a healthy sex life, but we had only slept together a handful of times. Up until that point, I hadn’t finished with him, and I had let him know that this was normal; I hadn’t been able to do so up until that point with anyone at all.

He understood, but I imagine that’s a hard thing to hear. How do you handle hearing your partner needs a sex toy to feel pleasure? How do you fully understand how something that came so easily for you can be so difficult and calculated for your partner?

At that moment, I could feel his discomfort when realizing that this time wouldn’t be a miracle, where somehow he would suddenly overcome my obstacle with no practice or communication. I felt ashamed because I felt like he wasn’t hearing me, despite my insisting that I needed extra help orgasming. The last thing I wanted going into our relationship was to have him internalize this problem and think that my not being able to orgasm without the use of a toy would make him less appealing, which was never the case.

I can’t claim to know firsthand how that initial shame feels for the ‘other partner,’ — realizing they can’t make their partner reach the finish line without using toys. If I had to guess, it probably feels like failing. As a society, we have placed so much value on the sexual prowess of men in our society that when they realize they have to work for it and practice to become good at sex, they deflate. Even as their partners, we romanticize this idea of a man inherently amazing at pleasuring us, to the point where even we feel a little disappointed when he’s not all that right off the bat.

I like to talk openly about my use of sex toys because navigating sexual obstacles is harrowing. I always think of the degrees of shame he must’ve felt. So much of our sex education comes from our peers, overproduced and unethical pornography, or men on podcasts that we forget sex is a skill you have to learn through practice. We tell men that there must be a certain way for them to sexually fulfill us. And when the teacup shatters? When they realize most women cannot finish from penetration alone — yes, even if it’s big — they’re overwhelmed with shame.

Initially, despite understanding what my body needed, it felt bad to be using “unnatural” ways to reach an orgasm. No amount of googling and reassurance from the internet calms you down when you begin to overthink, even if you read that 37 per cent of women use sex toys with their partners during intercourse. What if I never orgasm the way ‘nature’ intended? What if I never get over this mental block? What if he leaves me over this issue because he thinks I don’t find him attractive enough? It can be so easy to take on a mindset of fear and insecurity in similar situations.

Sex toys are a godsend for girls like me. Once you’re over that original obstacle of shame, they bring variety, excitement, and reassurance to a monogamous long-term relationship. If we both had to worry every time we had sex, our relationship would break under the weight of shame. If anything, I have only introduced more types of sex toys to my relationship, venturing into toys designed for men and couples as well. 

A 2010 survey published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy recorded that about 44 per cent of heterosexual men had used a vibrator at some point in their lives, with 82 per cent of those men reporting usage during intercourse. While their reasons for using one might vary from experimentation and enjoyment to obstacles like mine, rest assured that using sex toys is more common than you think.

I think we expect sex with someone else to feel like sex with ourselves, but that would be a mistake. We shouldn’t expect someone else touching us to feel like we are touching ourselves. No one body is like the other, and we all have our unique preferences on how to be touched.

I’ve learned that even though you know your body, you sometimes just don’t have the words to describe how you enjoy things. I could sit there and use words like “gentle,” “circular,” or “flat,” but once you’re out of buzzwords you’ve read online, there’s really no other way to show your partner how you like it. Sometimes, I feel like we expect a new partner to automatically know things we’ve learnt through patience, time, and experimentation. 

Until then, a sex toy introduces a reliable constant that does not change based on mood or energy. It allows you to experiment and learn about each other’s bodies without feeling the urgency of a failed sex life. We may want to hide our sexual obstacles because we think they’ll be too taboo to talk about — but don’t let anything rob you of your well-deserved orgasm.