Yay! More summer!

Surprise, surprise! Following the hottest summer on record, experts predict that this fall may be the warmest fall in the history of falls. “So don’t tuck those bikinis away just yet!” experts said. Instead, experts recommend incorporating warm footwear like UGGs or Steve Madden fur boots into your prolonged summer wardrobe to help mitigate the cooler evenings. This approach not only sexily captures the ethos of the truly unprecedented times we are living in, but might even bring you some unprecedented romance too!

Deduce, refuse, do not recycle

Our experts understand that we are biologically programmed to seek the warmth of others to regulate our body temperatures during the cooler months. Sadly, this fall-winter season is not looking very wet and cool. In fact, it is predicted to be quite warm and dry on most days. So, it may not be in your best interests to pursue “true” love at this time, as you risk generating too much heat around the house and crashing into a deep, sweaty, unsexy lethargy. 

Nonchalant, no-strings-attached romance is perfectly fine, though! Experts insist that you look on the bright side, and take this as your sign to continue being emotionally unavailable and avoidant, as you have been since summer of 2016, which experts say was the last “true” summer of our time! 

The question of love (and sex?)

If you insist on finding true love during this time, which experts robustly discourage, they recommend investing in a great air-conditioning system first. Sex is only going to get sweatier and stickier, experts say, and you will need to cool things down a bit. 

It is true that air-conditioning is one of the biggest contributors to rising global temperatures due to its energy use and greenhouse emissions. But what else can you do? Plant 10 trees and wait 15 years for transpiration to cool things down? Rebuild your entire condo with sustainable material that ensures better insulation? Pressure your governments to make effective policy changes? “YOLO!” experts say. 

Epistemologies of ignorance

For younger people who still have their lives ahead of them, experts recommend turning off the news more often and practicing a bit of ignorance for the sake of mental health. Some experts disagree, insisting that if people don’t stay informed, no one will get the weather forecast or be prepared for the ‘impending doom’ approaching. 

In response, the first group of experts said, “There’s nothing we can do about the impending doom… so you might as well turn it all off and simply exist in the context of all in which you live, and what came before you.” 

Experts also argue that the stress of constantly pivoting from one tragedy to the next isn’t good for your gut health. As you navigate romance during this warm fall, the constant pressure of the world’s problems may make you gassy, burpy, and poopy, which is especially embarrassing during lovemaking and while out on dates. “It’s just not a good look,” experts said, “or a good smell.”

Take walks

Experts said that this warm fall and delayed winter will actually present more opportunities for long romantic walks on the beach. If you prefer forests, walks with your lover will be even more romantic, as more peckish and bloodthirsty insects like mosquitoes, itch mites, and ticks will thrive in these conducive temperatures. These little parasites will ensure that there is never a dull moment between you and your lover. “How exciting!” experts said.

Lastly, warm walks during the fall will also compensate for the summer days that were just too hot to trudge through or get freaky in. This is especially true compared to the month or so during last summer’s wildfire season when you couldn’t even have sex on the balcony during the day, or in the park late at night because you literally couldn’t inhale the rancid air without melting into immense panic. Although, the spectacle of the burnt, wounded, orange sky was sort of beautiful in its own way.

Big Oil kindly sponsored this weather forecast, by the way.