Content Warning: This article contains descriptions of violence and discusses transphobia. 

I am Moka May Dawkins, a Two-Spirit transgender woman of Jamaican, Cuban, Black Nova Scotian, and Indigenous heritage. I have lived in Canada for 34 years, encountering people of diverse ethnicities, gender identities, and sexual orientations — whether immigrants, first-generation Canadians, and so on. Through my personal and social experiences, I’ve come to realize that the most challenging and complex relationship for a transgender or Two-Spirit person like myself to build is a genuine, committed romantic one. Let me share a bit of my past to explain how I arrived at this understanding. 

I’ve only had the privilege of two serious romantic relationships in my life; most connections were primarily sexual and often transactional, as I side-hustled as a sex worker in my early 20s to help pay for hormones, laser treatments, and shopping trips. Before I began sex work, however, I was in a two-year-long relationship with a white guy named Johnny. 

Things were good between Johnny and me at first, despite our differences — he was simple, and I was fashion-forward. But we didn’t break up over his basic t-shirt and jeans, I’m not that superficial. The real issue was we came from different worlds: I hustled from a split-parent home, he had financial security. Every time Johnny didn’t get his way with me he threw tantrums like a toddler — he was like, five or six years older than me! After two years of his clinginess and drama, I broke up with him and swore off white guys for good.

My second relationship, which has been on and off for the past seven years, was with a man I still love named Tray. He’s half-Jamaican, half-Irish. We met in prison — yes, prison! I bet right now you’re wondering why I was in jail, huh? Well, to keep things in a short summary, you can watch my survival from an attempted murder on my life on Amazon Prime on OUTtv in my life and death documentary called Surviving The Block. Anyways, after we both got out in 2019, we continued our relationship “on the road,” as they say. Tray eventually cheated on me and got a “drunk night” girl pregnant, so I ended things.

Despite that, we stayed in touch. Admittedly, we still loved and missed each other. Tray struggled with his sexuality and wasn’t out to most of his family and friends, which partly contributed to his infidelity. Last summer, we recommitted, and he moved into my apartment on New Year’s Day — still in the closet, however. And to all the ladies reading this, yes, Right now you might think I’m crazy. But trust me, I’m good!

I allowed Tray to live in my place rent- and bill-free. That’s right, I covered everything: rent, groceries, hydro, internet, even my phone bill, without asking for a cent. Some of you girls are probably wondering why, and some guys might be thinking, “Lucky man,” right? Well, I wanted to maintain my independence and avoid financially relying on Tray for anything. Plus, he was going through a rough patch, and I was happy to help him save while he supported his two children. I love him, after all. Some of my girlfriends joked that I was his sugar mama, but I saw it as protecting what I’d worked hard for. I’ll be damned if I let Tray, or any man, come into my life and turn my home upside down on me.

By March this year, Tray’s friends and family started asking why he never invited them over or introduced them to me as his girlfriend. By then, he was running out of excuses. While I was open to having visitors, Tray was ashamed of me being a transgender Two-Spirit woman. He couldn’t bring himself to introduce me as his partner. That pain broke me in ways that no one can truly understand. 

On Good Friday morning, after a night of drinking and overthinking, Tray had a mental breakdown and did the most unexpected and hurtful thing: he put his hands on me — punching me in the face, pulling my hair, and throwing me around. I know some of you are thinking, “OMG? Moka, please tell me you fought back, right?” Well, after trying everything to calm him down and screaming for him to stop, I grabbed the Malibu bottle I had for Easter weekend and smashed it across his head, knocking him flat on his ass with a big welt on the left side of his forehead. Then, I packed his stuff and kicked him out.

I hope you now understand why I made sure not to depend on him for anything. I could have ended up trapped in a financially and emotionally abusive situation with nowhere to turn. I don’t have family here — my immediate family is in Montréal. I posted the entire story on YouTube, not only to help Tray explain his actions but also to raise awareness about the dangers transgender and Two-Spirit people face in relationships.

Returning to the complications of romantic relationships for transgender and Two-Spirit people, we must confront a profound historical legacy of being overly sexualized and dehumanized by the exotic fetishism of white settler colonialism. Distorted Christian beliefs portrayed Indigenous and gender-nonconforming peoples as ‘other’ or in need of salvation, fueling harmful stereotypes that continue to marginalize these individuals in romantic relationships today. In an era of global reform with calls for reparations and ending violence, it is uncertain where transgender and Two-Spirit people fit into the fight for equality and the right to simply be seen as human. Despite being integrated into political institutions and civic discourse, we are often reduced to and defined by the fight against 2SLGBTQ+ discrimination, limiting our space to develop as diverse, multifaceted individuals.

We, apparently, need to convince cisgender heterosexuals that we are part of the same community, without them demonizing our intentions. Additionally, we must also do the work for everyone to normalize ourselves as worthy of love and passion — whether as friends, fleeting crushes, or potential romantic partners — without facing judgment or abandonment from family and friends.

While Canada may legally recognize diverse gender and sexual identities, this doesn’t translate into true equality or the security to form social or romantic connections. There is a need for a more humane engagement with transgender and Two-Spirit people — one that not only recognizes us as an identity category but also puts an end to the mental and physical violence we face daily. Additionally, we must also not overlook the need to help those from different cultural and religious backgrounds, who migrate to Canada, understand and accept us as we are.

Transgender and Two-Spirit peoples’ right to humane equality on these colonized lands is still a struggle. For true change to come about — where violence, discrimination, and racism end — we need society to see us as human, transcendent of any stereotypes. I believe the shift begins with us, offering the love we’ve gained from our experiences and those who came before us. Our biggest obstacle is the harmful ideology created to stifle our existence and destroy our purpose. 

If you have or are encountering a similar situation and looking for support, or are looking to be a support person, please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram @moka_dawkins. 

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence or harassment at U of T:

  • Visit svpscentre.utoronto.ca for information, contact details, and hours of operation for the tri-campus Sexual Violence Prevention & Support Centre. Centre staff can be reached by phone at 416-978-2266 or by email at [email protected].
  • Call Campus Safety Special Constable Service to make a report at 416-978-2222 (for U of T St. George and U of T Scarborough) or 905-569-4333 (for U of T Mississauga)
  • Call the Women’s College Hospital Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Care Centre at 416-323-6040
  • Call the Scarborough Grace Sexual Assault Care Centre at 416-495-2555
  • Call the Assaulted Women’s Helpline at 866-863-0511

If you or someone you know, who identifies as a member of the 2SLGBTQ+ community, is in need of support:

If you are concerned for your safety, you can also request for help from Rainbow Railroad at www.rainbowrailroad.org/request-help. 

For more resources, visit lgbtout.sa.utoronto.ca/resources-list/.