Dear Jolene:
Lately, something disturbing has been happening every time I have sex with my girlfriend. I keep seeing my mother’s face! I feel like such a freak! What’s going on?
Mommy’s Boy
Dear Mommy’s Boy,
Ah, my poor, innocent child. You’re simply experiencing one of the classic sexual conflicts, one usually resolved in childhood but sometimes cropping up later on in life. It’s all about your toilet training. When, as a wee sprout, your mother encouraged you to “do it on the toilet” and you saw what you thought were your insides vanishing into the sewers, never to return, it caused deep trauma inside you. Somewhere in your psyche, you’re still harbouring resentment towards her for this. Why it should crop up when you’re in bed with your girlfriend is a mystery, but who can claim to understand the convolutions of the human mind?
Aquatic yoga can help you work through the childhood trauma by creating a feeling of unity in your mind and body. Alternatively, you could just sleep with your mother.
Dear Jolene:
When I’m at home by myself, I find myself grabbing random household objects—Windex bottles, coffee cups, phone headsets and the like—and forcibly jamming them into my rectum. I can’t explain why I do it. I’m too embarrassed to see a psychologist or tell my family doctor, but I need to do something. My family is less than supportive, and the health complications are obvious. I don’t think I’m gay, and I have no other bizarre compulsions. Can you tell me why I’m doing this, and what might result from it?
Fillup Roth
Dear Fillup Roth,
I can understand your pain. Loveless, empty sexual contacts, especially with rigid and unyielding partners, can be very difficult. But you’re only making it harder on yourself by playing the field like this. I suggest you pick one object that you feel a special connection with and get to know it a little better. I’ve often been in the same situation. A little “face time” can work wonders…I use the word “face” loosely, of course.
It may also be that you’re looking a little too close to home right now. In that case, there are plenty of confidential avenues you can take to meet some new partners. May I suggest your neighbourhood IKEA or Home Depot flyers?
Dear Jolene:
Recently I went with some friends of mine (one of which was a girl who I’ll call Sally) to a mall. We passed a sex shop there and Sally spontaneously bought a vibrator, much to the bemusement of me and my male friends. But that got me thinking: why is it more socially acceptable for a woman to buy a vibrator in front of her friends than, say, a guy like me buying a Pocket Pussy or blow-up doll? Certainly, I wouldn’t get the same reaction if I were to pull the same stunt as Sally. I realize that part of “women’s lib” is sexual empowerment, but will buying sex toys ever get any less embarassing for men in the near future? The idea of buying a “Robo-suck” makes me feel like a sleaze ball.
Joe Curious
Dear Joe,
You bring up an interesting point. Yes, women who buy sex toys seem to enjoy the popular image of being independent and liberated while men are unfairly dismissed as lonely fiends.
But perhaps it’s also a matter of nuance. Surely, a dolphin-shaped vibrator seems more innocous to your friends than a trademarked mold of Pamela Anderson’s pussy? For your friends, the idea of you flailing some rubber pelvis may be too graphic to brush off.
Perhaps a day will come when men’s sex toys are marketed in the same manner that women’s are—with subtlety.
