Probably one of the most prolific and interesting writers that Montreal’s Mirror has to offer is Kristian Gravenor. A man with a wealth of tireless and intriguing social commentary, Mr. Gravenor reveals his true nature and how to deal with being so good-looking in a world of ordinary looking people. Read this and learn something about real journalism…
Varsity: For those few Torontonians who don’t know you, please give a brief intro of yourself.
Kristian Gravenor: I’m a writer who The Mirror felt sorry for and gave me my own column because I have a limp and a lisp and a glass eye that falls out whenever I try to do my famous one-handed push-ups.
Varsity: How do you handle yourself when having to politely pardon the throngs of outta control women who constantly harass you for sexual favours and such?
Kristian Gravenor: Usually I just wake up. I think the word has gotten out by now that I’m an inadequate lover and I’d like to keep it very secret and maybe take steps to reverse the damage.
Varsity: The best place you’ve ever travelled and why?
Kristian Gravenor: I’ve travelled to Communist countries and enjoyed the meat rations and the daring sense that your hotel door will be kicked in by poorly trained teenagers in ill-fitting army uniforms wielding 40-year-old Kaleshnikovs.
I’d like it if somebody set up a “repressive terror state of mind control and Stalinistic values” theme park, but perhaps with a catchier name.
Varsity: If you had to leave Montreal, what would you miss most?
Kristian Gravenor: There’s a world outside of Montreal?
Varsity: What’s the greatest myth about Montreal that’s actually true?
Kristian Gravenor: The weather sucks and everybody hates each other.
Varsity: What’s the deal with the dirty look I get when I tell Montrealers I’m from Toronto?
Kristian Gravenor: They give you dirty looks if you’re not from Toronto, too. Us Montrealers have eggshell egos which need to be fed by detracting from others. It’s a very nice feeling when you get good at it.
Varsity: To what do you attribute the rising and continuing fame of the talentless Celine Dion?
Kristian Gravenor: I went to a Celine Dion tribute website and joined the chat to find out the answer to that, but a fat guy pretending to be a woman started cybersexing me and just at my most compromising moment he confessed that he had me fooled, so I felt bad.
Varsity: Are St. Viateur bagels all that good? How ’bout that Schwartz’s smoked meat sandwich? Or the poutine?
Kristian Gravenor: I don’t know. I eat at McDonald’s for the little toys. And I like to eat potato chips, but I always put aside the ones that look like the face of a celebrity. I keep my collection in little plastic bags in shoeboxes to avoid damage. If anybody ever wants to see them, I’d be happy to share.
Varsity: Can you suggest any techniques that might be popular with the lads to get the ladies?
Kristian Gravenor: I think the best strategy is to find the “easy” chicks and stay within six inches of them at all times. Sluts are cool. How’d they get such a bad name?
Varsity: Who haven’t you met yet in your life that would make dying tomorrow all right?
Kristian Gravenor: Dylan Thomas, Ernie Hemingway, Joe Strummer (only if he got some front teeth by now) and any exceptionally talented lap dancer, and Tyra Banks. Except Tyra, well, she never gave me a chance.
Varsity: As my mentor, what do you feel is the best method towards cultivating my greatness in this world of mediocrity?
Kristian Gravenor: Disagree with everything anybody ever says. Especially yourself.
