Well, it’s January, and everyone is all revved up for 2003. How do you stay on top of the hipster game if you still think The Hives, The Strokes and The Vines are wicked cool? Well, your chances aren’t good if 1) You follow the standard crop of Bands to Watch Out For in [insert present year here], and/or 2) you say things like “wicked cool.” So what to do? You must penetrate and presuppose the underground that doesn’t yet exist. You need to figure out what it’s going to be, who’s going to be (recycled) fresh and what they’ll be wearing. This is an enormous task for an undergrad with a job, a drinking problem, an emotional significant other (because we need to explore our feelings) and a weekly, ritualistic circle-jerk with all your friends, so I’m going to let you in on the über-hip that is yet to be. Let us say goodbye to the myopia of the What’s Cool For ’03 crowd, and find the “Bands to Watch For in 2023.”
1) January 2023—Sad, Lonely Planet: The underground indie-rock scene has regressed into an increasingly closed-off system of ultimate cool; the now-overweight clerks of Soundscapes have reached new levels of pretentiousness. Not only are the hippest bands known only to the select few with their ears to the ground, but all fans must register at Sad, Lonely Planet, a website devoted entirely to the five people who perform in Sad, Lonely Planet (who perform only for Sad, Lonely Planet, in empty clubs, regardless of how popular they would be if anyone knew about them).
2) February 2023—noise [IN] “the” A.G>e: The found sound community has reached a stalemate. Uncertain whether any sounds still exist that haven’t been coupled with an arsenal of late-70s and early-80s analog synthesizers, Svend, Michel and Svend of noise [IN] “the” A.G>e, in a move of utter desperation, enter a music store and pick up the long-lost instruments known as guitar, bass and drums. Found sound community rejoices in discovery; band’s release “Blip on the Radar of Love,” reminiscent of early Rolling Stones, is instant hit in the “scene.” Terms such as “wildly original” and “the new innovators of sound” circle this new genre. All three members die in a mysterious accident three days before commercial release; Rolling Stone magazine runs article “Where Did They Get Their Inspiration, Where Did They Go?”
3) May 2023—Death From Above: With summer fast approaching and the vices of adolescents raging unchecked, the Catholic Church conducts a star search for the next big gangsta’ rap group devoted to what the Pope calls “the slamminest rhymes my niggas can shout out to J.C., WHAT!” Death From Above goes straight to the top of the hip-hop world with their smash single “J.C. Will Tap Dat Ass.” Sample rhyme: “J.C the toughest nigga on the block/ Got more rhymes than he’s got Glocks/ Took that thorn in his side and made a shank/ But still taps mo’ ass than all y’all can spank.”
4) September 2023—Dr. Dr Dre: Dr. Dre finally finishes Ph.D. dissertation on the effects of rapping in one of the heaviest hip-hop acts of the 80s (NWA) and the introduction of white rappers into the commercial music scene. Now known as Dr. Dr Dre, his cultural study is considered a landmark for all suburban white humanities students, although on his U of T syllabus he threatens to “bust a cap in the ass of any of y’all muthafuckers who plagiarize….that shit’s straight up reprehensible,” adding, “dis ain’t muthafuckin’ York.”
5) November 2023—The New Underground, featuring Mariah Carey, Celine Dion and Shania Twain: PETA, having successfully ruined the Thanksgiving tradition of turkey-eating, seeks new target for month of November. After their successful television and print campaign, legislation is passed forbidding pop singers to record notes above a mid-range C-sharp, which are deemed harmful to the auditory safety of small and large animals alike. A new line of street dealer springs up in Vancouver; looking like soccer moms in trenchcoats, they are known to lightly whisper as you pass, “Need Celine?” Suddenly your parents are more underground than you.
