On Feb. 13, the City of Toronto is holding a public meeting. There are currently 97 duplicate and triplicate street names in the GTA. This situation apparently poses a “significant public safety concern”—it may delay police, fire, and emergency services response times. Not to mention confusing the shit out of the rest of us.

So, in a fit of civic responsibility, the powers that be have decided to remedy the problem. While the city’s elected and appointed officials could cloister themselves away, no doubt to emerge with names like Lastman Lane and Boulevard de Mel, they have instead welcomed the public in the process of street renaming.

This is a deviation from typical political one-upsmanship, and as Torontonians we should seize this opportunity. City councillors, since you’re soliciting, allow me to suggest a solution to your dilemma.

In the midst of this, the chilliest and dreariest winter in recent memory, I firmly believe Toronto’s hard-working and dutiful citizens are in need of a pick-me-up. And I see no better way of accomplishing this than by granting this mega-city the mega street names it deserves. Let’s take a cue from our neighbours to the south—yes, the same ones we’ve all decided to hate in the past year or two. When it comes to boosting morale by renaming, no one knows better than the U.S. military.

Let me give you some examples. When things were going badly for the U. S. forces in Panama in 1989, a clever technocrat somewhere suggested a name change. The original “Operation Blue Spoon” hadn’t caught on with the Green Berets. The marines had a hard time spelling “spoon.” The mission as a whole was turning into an international interventionist disaster, and the Reagan administration was getting caught in the quagmire. That is, until “Blue Spoon” was changed to “Operation Just Cause.” With a sigh of relief, everyone was able to settle back down to work with a renewed sense of determination and righteousness.

At the outset of the Korean War in 1951, the U.S. military was finding that the going was tough, but that their tough weren’t going. Troops were weary, the Cold War clime was in its early stages, and the war was thousands of miles away from home. How to inspire their men to get back out on the Asian killing fields? With the name “Operation Killer,” that’s how. No sooner had the name been announced than the once-dilapidated and unenthused U.S. ranks were back out there slaughtering commie Koreans.

As the Americans are gearing up for war in Iraq, the brightest and best are working around the clock to find the perfect operation name. People of Toronto, let us do the same. Let’s give this city and its citizens the confidence and ego boost it so desperately needs. Why do we keep a Spadina Avenue, Spadina Crescent, and Spadina Road? Let’s all get together next Thursday to ensure that soon, we’ll be able to meet our friends on the corner of Queen and Operation Infinite Justice Ave., or grab something to eat at Dupont and Operation Enduring Freedom St. It’s up to us to breath some life back into our hollow and lifeless concrete jungle. Yonge? No, I prefer Operation Ripper Road, thank you very much.