One obliterating Friday night, after a seasonable snifter of port at my favourite gentleman’s club (the Green Room), I stumbled upon the Holy Grail of prospective university student literature: Linda Frum’s Guide to Canadian Universities (1987). This treasure, hidden in what I believe to be Robarts Library’s remote Harlequin Super Romance Wing—and I will emphasize the Super—is the most invaluable tool known (or possibly unknown) to the vast majority of our student body.
I was immediately thrust back to 1999; sweat condensing on my brow while I weighed my options. York or U of T: which is the better school? If only I’d had Frum’s all-encompassing guide, barely 12 years out of date and print, my decision would have been too easy. But I persevered; I took the big risk and chose U of T. Did I make the right choice? I would never have known had I not stumbled upon this godsend. I frantically flipped to page 168 and discovered that U of T is—or at least was—a good institution in 1987!
But what about today? Is Frum as timeless as her cover photo outfit suggests? I had to research; I had to know the truth. I began by examining the veracity of her comments. One student from Scarborough said he preferred his campus to St. George because “if you asked to borrow notes from the guy next to you, he’d probably say ‘fuck you.’” Now, although this gentleman might have a point, he’s missed an important detail: the “guys” might tell you to “fuck off,” but so would the girls (yeah, you forgot about them), probably because you go to Scarborough, you lame-ass, so fuck off. Linda, so far, so good.
Frum continues, “A Chinese girl is sitting alone, reading, in the dingy and noisy foyer of Sidney Smith Hall, the main teaching building.” Whoa, slow down, tiger. I’m going to have to corroborate this. I spent an afternoon observing the Sid Smith Hall: Yes, the foyer is noisy. Yes, it is reprehensibly dingy. Yes, a lot of teaching goes on here. But no, a Chinese girl was not consistently reading, unless, of course, you consider her playing with her cell phone rings as reading. And I think she was Japanese. Sorry, Linda: strike one.
Linda suggests students get involved—at the radio station, writing for papers—as a means of making friends, but a Varsity defector warns, “You must instantly demonstrate talent. Nobody’s going to nurture potential talent.” First, it is clear by this person’s comments that the Gargoyle wasn’t being published at this time. Second, he should have broken up his comments with a semi-colon and not a period; the second sentence comments directly upon the former. Look, I just did it; it’s just that easy! Again! Third, in less than fifteen words, this person used “talent” twice. Apparently thesauruses were not available in 1987 either. Linda, nail on the head again!
On the topic of college identities, Frum says, “St. Mike’s students, […] the most political of the colleges, are excited by the politics of the Catholic Church: birth control, abortion, and Nicaragua.” Evidence: just the other day I was walking down St. Joseph Street and overheard a couple of St. Mike’s students talking about these very issues. First guy: “I forgot to pull-out—my favourite method of birth control—and my girlfriend had to get an abortion.” Second guy: “Yeah, of course my Civic’s stereo is from Nicaragua!” Linda, could even God deny your omnipotence?
In short, Frum’s guide is the most important pre-university text in Canada. Certainly, you could brush up on your politics, maybe even read an issue of Macleans, but my feeling is, if you’re going to university, Linda Frum’s going to tell you a lot more about your new home then any school-endorsed pamphlet ever will.
