Now, I know that my views may come off as extreme, especially to you “leftocrats” out there, but I’m not afraid to say this. I am plain sick of zombies! I’m sick of how they’re flooding our country by staggering in very, very slowly every day. I’m sick of how they crash senior formals and cockblock us by eating our dates. Not cool, man! She said she wanted to rent a room!
I wasn’t always like this. I used to be pretty open-minded. Hell, my first-year roommate was a zombie, and I was fine with that. We even had a good system going: he let me keep a dog, and I covered for him whenever that shotgun-wielding redneck showed up. Soon enough though, I learned what these people were really like-bringing home women at all hours of the night and expecting me to throw away the inedible parts the next day. And when it came time to collect his half of the rent, it was always the same excuses: “blargh…” and “muargh…” and bloody projectile vomiting.
You know what the worst part is? They recruit. Sure, the “scientific community” says that nobody chooses to be a zombie, and people just reanimate because of that strange virus in the atmosphere. Well, my high school buddy was as normal as you or I. One month at that summer camp near the ancient native burial ground and he comes back a totally changed person. Before he was all about Halo, and now all he cares about is brains. Brains and finishing co-op.
I bet some of you “hippieberals” are foaming at the mouth right now, what with me saying “zombie” instead of the politically correct “living dead.” Well, they don’t deserve courtesy! These hell’s rejects walk around like they own the place, taking away the jobs of eating human flesh from hardworking, living Canadians. What’s next, letting them get married? Ha! Not in my country!
But you know what really burns my biscuits? It’s you appeasers out there giving aid and comfort to our zombie enemies. I can proudly say that I supported our various biker gangs going into rural cities and wiping out the zombie problem. Sure, the only reason why there are zombies there now is due to the indiscriminate shooting of the living, but that’s irrelevant. They are fighting zombies there so that we don’t have to fight them here, and anybody who disagrees is a coward.
I implore my fellow Canadians to stop listening to the fiberal media and open your eyes. For as I sit here, trapped inside a shopping mall surrounded by zombies, along with my companions (the hot female protagonist, the hot girl who’s kind of a bitch, the headstrong security guard who’s definitely going to die, and Ving Rhames), my mind is plagued with one terrible thought: The abandoned Tim Hortons I’m raiding is out of iced cap mix.
