I position my carry-on luggage beside me to pull out my passport in front of the airport kiosk. It scans my information and my name pops up on screen. I click to the next page. It asks, “Where do you reside?” I pause. I am staying in Canada for over eight months of the school year, but I have also been living in the Philippines for 19 years of my life. My hand hovers over the screen, not knowing where to go.
If they are given the chance, international students at U of T go back and forth between Canada and their home country during the winter, spring, and summer breaks. These students are often seen anticipating their homecoming, pondering what they will do when they arrive home.
But once in a while, these students may use ‘home’ to refer to Canada when in conversation with fellow international students. So, where is ‘home’ for them?
Home is: Your home country
Last Christmas, I was able to snag last-minute tickets to go home to the Philippines for my short three-week break. Supply and demand drive ticket prices, so I booked a flight with a ten-hour layover in Taiwan to avoid spending next month’s rent on tickets. I explored the airport from end to end, treating it like a tourist sight. After over 24 hours in transit, my exhaustion once I lay in my bed was indescribable.
For international students hailing from faraway countries, roundtrip tickets can cost thousands of dollars with multiple draining layovers. For Polina Gorn — a second-year student at UTSG from Moscow, Russia — a trip back can last over 20 hours.
Even after the exhausting voyage home, the arrival is often met with the frenzy of catching up on self-maintenance tasks. Gorn recalls, “Whenever I come home, I do all the [administrative] stuff like go see a dentist, get a haircut. It’s so expensive here in Canada.”
“My mom took two days [off work] and was driving me around… and I was just jetlagged, sleeping in the car,” she said.
For some students, living in Canada can feel temporary. This means waiting for the next time they go back home to properly practice self-care where they are used to doing it. I also find that whenever I am back home, my calendar is packed with people who want to reconnect: every day is booked for a group lunch, dinner, and sometimes breakfast, drinks, or coffee. As depleting of my social battery as constant meet-ups may be, it is a nice reminder that I am loved and remembered even while I’m away.
Charlene Choi, a UTSC psychology specialist co-op student from Hong Kong, finds that the overarching theme for her homecoming is gratitude. She feels grateful to return to home-cooked meals and a clean house: “My mom keeps her house so clean… I appreciate that she’s so meticulous about everything.”
Like Choi, many international students return to living with their families, reconnect with old friends, and take a break from the independence they experienced in Canada. Gorn describes how cathartic it was to go back to Russia after a stressful and difficult first semester.
“It was just a relief to come back, to recharge, and be in a safe space and re-evaluate [what] has happened in that semester and see how I can change stuff,” she said. “I think I was so stressed that there were some vital parts of my life that I was overlooking. I knew that I… needed my parents to look at me and [say], ‘girl, you haven’t been looking after yourself.’ [By] myself, I couldn’t figure it out.”
Home is: Canada
When I returned to my childhood room after my flight, I was met with a wave of familiarity, but it sang a different tune. I hadn’t gotten any bigger, but I felt that I no longer fit in completely. I was home, but something was different. It wasn’t my room that had changed because the dust piling up on my desk was exactly how I left it; it was me.
UTM student Alec Cabalit was born in the Philippines but moved to Bahrain when he was six. Reflecting on his experience visiting both the Philippines and Bahrain last summer, he said, “I feel like [an] outsider the longer I stay away from these places… but even then, whenever I go back home, I still feel a huge sense of nostalgia and it still feels welcoming.”
Despite only being in Canada for two years, Cabalit finds a sense of pride in being associated with the culture. For example, Cabalit’s Canadian identity is developed through his investment in Toronto’s sports teams, of which he is “a big fan.” Cabalit also believes that his home countries are not static. Time does not stop while he is away — instead, he changes as a person, making memories and growing in Canada.
“I feel like the life that I’ve lived is a completely different world from [what my friends and relatives back home] experienced. And so… I’m experiencing a sort of culture shock to my own culture,” he said. He still feels like he belongs to Bahrain and the Philippines but needs time and his Bahraini and Filipino peers’ support to readjust.
Choi shares similar sentiments and occasionally feels that she does not fit in back home. She recalls instances where people in Hong Kong stare at her on the subway because of her outfits or ask if she speaks the native language.
Hong Kong is still home to Choi, but she is not in a rush to go back. She finds that she can grow more in Canada because it allows her to be more independent and explorative. “I’ve been in Hong Kong for… my whole life since I was 18,” she said. “And being in Canada, I was able to experience something new.”
Being independent in a diverse country like Canada has allowed Choi to develop mentally and emotionally in a way that she believes her home country could not have allowed. This experience made her reevaluate her priorities and values, which meant outgrowing some peers back in Hong Kong.
“I guess I’ve changed in that I have to… be mature about how you want your life to go, how you want my grades to be, how you want to look, and how healthy you are. These are things that you have to decide [for] yourself instead of relying on your parents… to help you with [them],” said Choi.
Gorn says that — similar to Choi — she doesn’t feel the need to go back home in search of the relief she felt in her first-year thanks to a more established support system and deeper connections in Canada. She feels that she is now more adept at regulating her life alone and does not need to rely on her parents as much as before. She also noted that she would not fit back into her old home life, which she believes is a good indicator of how much she has grown in Canada.
To address the disconnect from his home countries while living in Canada, Cabalit recalls extra effort to connect with his roots. Despite the limits of fully grasping a culture he isn’t always immersed in, he made efforts to improve his proficiency in the Bisaya language and his understanding of Filipino culture.
Likewise, Gorn noted that rather than feeling distanced from her culture while abroad, she has developed a greater interest in Russian culture, including Russian rap music. “I think even though I’m physically far, emotionally, I might be more involved and more Russian than I’ve ever been,” she said.
Choi said, “[International students] buil[t] a life over there and now we’re moving to another country and trying to start [over]. I feel like that process really changes anyone. And it has changed me.”
“But I still feel like myself. It’s more of a change in the sense that I’m exploring who I am.”
Home is: You
When I asked all three international students “where is home?”, I expected them to choose between Canada or their home country. Instead, they elaborated that they realized that home is not tied to a single place, but rather to their experiences with the people and memories they make as they grow.
Cabalit feels that he has multiple homes simultaneously: Bahrain, the Philippines, and Canada. He believes that a home is defined by childhood memories and the people connected to that place. He also finds that building a good support system can help minimize the challenges of moving around. “Just know that you can always find support [around] you. While I feel secure and safe back home in the Philippines, I’ve created a safety net for myself as well here, by fostering relationships and creating a network of friends that I trust,” he said.
Choi also believes that the people make a place feel like home, rather than the place.
“I swear, the closer I got with the people here, the more I felt at home,” she said. “I feel like home is the people that I’m with. And just because they’re in different corners of the world, that doesn’t mean my home has changed, because I’m always going to be really close with those people. No matter what, no matter where they [are], they’re still my home.”
Gorn also shares Choi’s and Cabalit’s sentiments, expressing that she does not view Toronto or Moscow as her sole home. Instead, she believes that home is a more philosophical concept connected to one’s stability, character, and values.
Gorn gave multiple definitions of home. She reflected on how she is used to making her environment feel like home, since she has constantly moved around. On the Zoom call with me, she lights up when discussing how decorating her room helps make the place feel more familiar. She points out posters, photo strips, and knick-knacks in the background that symbolize her ownership of the space.
“I would define a home as a place where I have people I trust, people I care for, people who I can support, and who support me.” To Gorn, home is “…something I have to put effort into actually creating. I guess a home is wherever I go, as cliché as it sounds.”
Home is: Up to me
I relate to Gorn’s experiences, as someone who would play Original Pilipino Music — pop genre music from Filipino artists — from bands like Any Name’s Okay or girl group BINI in my first-year dorm room whenever I was feeling sad. I would also keep up with Filipino news through social media. Being away made me more conscious of staying connected to my Filipino roots and remembering where I came from.
I’m still sweating in front of the immigration terminal, unsure what country to choose.
“Where do you reside?”
I click “Canada” for now and complete my immigration process. As I walk past the “Welcome to Canada” sign, I put in my airpods and play a song from BINI.
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