The Varsity would never think of endorsing a slate in this round of UTSU elections. Instead, we have decided to nominate ourselves in the very midst of the voting period. Rules, shmules. We know a good thing when we see it, and if everyone else wants your vote, we want it too. May we introduce the Rhinoceros Party of U of T.

We are straight-talkers, mavericks, and hope-mongers, but mostly we just open our mouths without thinking. We will say the things independents Perry Darkwa and Britt Silvestri, Slate ACCESS, and Slate CHANGE will not.

Just as there are Canadians and then there are real Canadians, Ontarians, and then real Ontarians, there are students, and then there are people who walk so damn slow down St. George they take up the entire sidewalk. We will represent you.

We note that both slates CHANGE and ACCESS are running “Equity” candidates, and that independent Silvestri is all about the equity. These three have fought diligently in the face of your apathy—for freedom from racism, for that rainbow-triangle sticker on the door, and for our school to participate in the fight against climate change. Where’s the representation for those who just don’t care?

Only Slate RHINOCEROS knows that the issue you have with the UTSU, if you know what the UTSU is (we don’t), is one of communication. It is obvious to us that you have not seen the posters advertising this election. Worry not, 32,000 who didn’t vote last year! We fill find the auditorium where you are hiding and poster it like crazy!

We know the fine points of your tortured relationship with that special someone who sits across Con Hall from you in psych. We know that it’s really, really complicated—i.e., she doesn’t know you exist—and understand that worrying about this takes every waking hour of your day. While you’d like to be more involved with student politics, you just don’t have the time. Plus don’t we have papers to write or something?

We couldn’t agree more! Slate CHANGE says they will walk across the street to negotiate with Queen’s Park. We will walk across the street to Queen’s Park, and keep on walking. We will walk farther than any of the other candidates who want your vote. We will keep on walking ‘til we hit the ocean, and then we’ll walk some more. By the time April rolls around we’ll be in the south of France. Au revoir, suckers!

“But wait,” you are saying, “I have no tortured relationship. I don’t even take psych. I have to work two jobs and take transit from Scarborough, and that’s why I don’t have time for student politics.” To you, the small, overwhelming majority of students, we say that if you’re going to vote for no one, don’t vote for us. No one will protect the status quo like we will.

(Note: This editorial is a satirical reminder to get out and vote in your student union elections. Make your voices heard!)