Imagine you’ve just suffered a devastating breakup. You’re heartbroken and still pining for your ex. Your friends tell you that hastily entering a new relationship is the worst thing to do. But current research says otherwise: for some people, rebounding may be a helpful and effective way to get over an ex.
Stephanie Spielmann, a PhD student in psychology at U of T, studies romantic relationships under the supervision of associate professor of psychology Dr. Geoff MacDonald. Her current research on how certain types of people cope with rejection from their partners is soon to be published in the esteemed Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Specifically, Spielmann has found that anxiously attached individuals—those who chronically need other people and have the most difficulty dealing with breakups—may actually benefit from rebound relationships. In fact, even just thinking optimistically about finding a new partner may help these people get over an ex. Spielmann talked to The Varsity about her current research and her background in psychology.
The Varsity: How did you become interested in psychology?
Stephanie Spielmann: I actually thought that I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, so I took psychology just to learn more about people. I took several developmental [psychology] courses as well. But then I had a great experience doing research with Dr. Anne Wilson [associate professor of psychology at Laurier], and I realized I loved research and I decided to stick with psychology in grad school.
TV: What sparked your interest in studying romantic relationships?
SS: I started researching romantic relationships for my undergrad thesis. Then when I came to grad school to work with Geoff [MacDonald], he already studied romantic relationships as well, and it just seemed like a natural progression to work from what I found in my honours thesis. And that’s how Anne Wilson is an author [on the paper] as well, because it all started from my undergrad and then we moved on and she stayed with us, working on the project.
TV: Why did you choose to attend U of T for grad school?
SS: Geoff’s research really interested me, and we just seemed like a really great fit. U of T has such a great research program and really great social psychology professors, and we meet regularly, so we’re kind of mentored by all of them. But [Geoff and Anne] are my primary mentors.
TV: Can you tell us about your current research?
SS: Basically, anxiously attached individuals are the ones who have the most difficulty letting go after a breakup. Most people with time tend to get over relationships and move on, but these people seem to get stuck for some reason. We are interested in why that is. Past research has also found that they’re not as optimistic about future relationships, but these are the kinds of people who really need relationships. So we wondered, maybe if they’re not optimistic about finding someone new, they’re going to feel like their ex-partner is the only one they have, and so they hang on to that ex for that reason. If that’s the case, we wondered if we helped them feel optimistic about future partners, maybe they’d be able to let go, and that’s what we found. When people read a magazine article that suggested that it’s really easy to find a new partner, then these anxiously attached people were able to let go of their ex-partners. But, it’s just the beginning. It’s a very temporary effect most likely. In real life it might take something a little stronger than reading an article to fully let go of your ex, but it’s heading in a positive direction to help [anxiously attached people] let go.
TV: How did you initially come up with the research idea?
SS: We’ve all experienced breakups. And just talking with my girlfriends and guy-friends about their breakups, it seemed to be a big issue. Some people just kept going back to that ex-partner. They knew they weren’t right for them, but they kept going back, and it was sort of like “why are you doing this?” It didn’t seem logical to me. So I’m really interested in finding that out.
TV: What are your plans for future research?
SS: Beginning this summer, we’re going to start talking to people who are in a relationship, and see how they feel about their ex-partners, and see how the quality of a current relationship affects how you feel about an ex. These are going to be people in new relationships. Because these insecure [anxiously attached] people might not be very choosy about who they start a new relationship with, that relationship might not be of the best quality. If they’re not in a very good relationship at the time, does it really help them get over an ex? We’ll see all kinds of people because it’s really great to compare how more secure people react, and see whether these anxiously attached people are responding in a different way that suggests it’s more maladaptive.
TV: Do you think that researchers will ever find a foolproof method for getting over exes?
SS: We’re such social people, and we all really want relationships and to be loved. So I don’t know if relationship problems will ever go away. Every little bit that we find can help people move on, and behave more adaptively. Breakups are always going to be hard, but if people can cope with them more effectively then that will improve everyone’s situation.
TV: Outside of an experimental setting, any advice you’d give to people going through a breakup?
SS: I think one of the important things about this is that even when we make these people feel optimistic about finding a new partner and say they even do find a new partner that’s not really helping them to solve their own personal insecurities. It’s sort of like a band-aid solution. I think that it is important even for insecure people after a breakup to not just focus on finding a new partner and getting over the ex, but to really focus on their own feelings about themselves. The more you can take care of yourself after a breakup and the better you feel about yourself, you might not feel like you need someone else to validate you. You’re not jumping into something that could in the end be even worse than hanging on to your ex.
TV: Is there any advice you’d give to undergrads and aspiring researchers?
SS: I had such a great mentor in undergrad. I feel like that’s really important to really get in with some professors, learn about what they do, and learn about how research works. Research isn’t for everyone, but it’s very important to get some experience with that in undergrad. You don’t want to commit to grad school and be stuck in something that you’re not interested in. Professors are there for you, they’re a great resource for you, and they’re willing to help.
