I was recently asked by a friend why using a word like “retard” is unacceptable, especially given the idea of “safe spaces” on campus. He was able to acknowledge his own status as an able-bodied, straight, white, male, but was still regretful about not being able to use certain words. In his words, “I like saying ‘bitch’ and ‘slut’ and ‘retard’ as jokes, but I don’t want to be knowingly victimizing people either.” He was confused about the concept of word re-appropriation, and why it is okay for some groups to use certain terms, but not others.

The concept of reclamation — as, for example, a person with a disability using the term “retard” to reclaim its hurtful power — can be somewhat confusing. Whether or not reclaiming hurtful words is an effective means of liberation is a point of contention within specific communities; not all LGBTQ persons agree with the reclamation of the word queer, just as not all black people support the use of the n-word in their communities. As a woman, I may be able to reclaim a word like “slut,” but I don’t feel we’re at a point where it will help more than it hurts. So I can understand the confusion.

That being said, when someone speaks from the position of, say, a straight white male, it does not put them in a great position to use any of these words. Although many understand the “I don’t mean it that way” explanation, language and power are very much linked. By using words that have been used to victimize and oppress people different from them in the past, people speaking from a position of historical privilege may continue to marginalize people as “other” or different, intentionally or not.

There are certain words that are more acceptable than others. Consider “bitch” for example. That word gets thrown around often, and some might argue that for this reason it isn’t really offensive. I disagree. I think the acceptance of terms often positively correlates with how oppressed certain groups remain.

The truth is this: when I walk into a group of people that is exclusively male — although women are similarly guilty of this — and there is a discussion going on where the term “slut” is being used casually, I never feel good about it. In fact, it feels unsafe, as if somehow these men are able to project moral superiority. What gives them the right to use a word that degrades people who are more like me than like them? Does this mean I write these people off and would never be friends with them? No. But it does mean I may consider their values, and ultimately what prejudices they hold under the surface. It may also prevent me from being closer friends than I would have been had they made a different vocabulary choice.

As a result, I try not to use any of those contentious words. Using that kind of vocabulary only feels good because there is so much power behind those words. Why don’t other words suffice?

As someone who holds a lot of privilege myself, I think being required to give up usage of a few words is the least I can do from a position where pretty much everything else is handed to me. Perhaps it is one of the few things that are “not allowed” for someone in my position. This is something I can live with — can you?