CORALS ZHENG/THE VARSITY

Cuffing season is upon us, which means millennials are sliding into DMs at 2:00 am on a Wednesday night, trying to convince themselves that being ‘cuffed’ isn’t as bad as they initially thought. Or they’re tweeting Tumblr quotes and reposting Insta-poetry to combat the emptiness of being incredibly single.

Cuffing season refers to the period of fall and winter during which singles will attempt to find a relationship in an attempt to be cuffed during the colder seasons. In the past, non-University of Toronto students have told me that the best way to survive cuffing season is to party all day, every day. The internet’s suggestions include buying body pillows, binge drinking, and going for brunch.




But none of these tips are suitable for the average U of T student taking a full course load, overworking themselves with endless extracurricular involvement, and setting their hearts on finding the cure to a rare disease.

Since there are still at least two more months left until cuffing season is over, here is a guide to surviving cuffing season at U of T.

Go on ACORN and look at your GPA

U of T is a prestigious school, and only the smartest, brightest high school students are admitted each year. Despite being the most intelligent group of individuals in the country, U of T students are not immune to the feeling of loneliness and the overwhelming weight of singledom.

When feeling sorry for yourself due to your lack of a significant other, log onto ACORN and admire your 4.0. Non-U of T students find us intimidating because of our genius minds — it’s not our fault people can’t handle our brains. A 4.0 will always be sexier than being cuffed.

Find love with Northrop Frye

The saying goes, “Men always cheat and, eventually, leave,” or so I’ve been told by the Polish ladies at my job. But living at Victoria College has assured me that this sexist statement is inaccurate. Since my first year at U of T, a lot of men have disappointed me, and many did abandon me.

But Northrop Frye has always been my constant. He’s always been there for me. When I fail to make time for him, he doesn’t take my absence personally. He has definitely cheated on me, but cuffing season only mandates a relationship — not a serious, monogamous one. More importantly, he’s a great listener.

Recall Ivan Reznikoff

Romantic love and U of T don’t always work well together. We have to maintain our GPAs and keep making ignorant and hurtful memes based on our mantra of being the number one school in the country.

When you start to feel an inkling of loneliness, remind yourself how romance has historically ended at U of T — like Reznikoff, for example. If he and another man hadn’t fallen in love with the same woman, he wouldn’t be haunting the halls of University College. The correct lesson to draw from this is that U of T students who try to pursue love will end up haunting the campus for the rest of their lives.

Remember: at convocation, you will acquire a U of T degree

Shortly after graduating, you will be receiving pamphlets from U of T asking for alumni donations. U of T is in it for the long run, and everyone knows commitment is important for a healthy relationship.

In the book Is He or Isn’t He?, John Hall claims that “sometimes what you’re looking for is right under your nose and you don’t even know it.” That could not be truer for U of T students — U of T has literally always been here for us. We wear U of T’s clothes, talk about U of T to our friends and family, and all of us have been inside U of T. Maybe we’ve been in an intimate, committed relationship all along, and we didn’t even know it.

Happy cuffing season!

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