The President of St. Mike’s College (SMC), Mavid Dulroney, was reported missing from church on April 1. A devout Catholic and bureaucrat, Dulroney’s absence from the first row of the church pew was noted by Father Comas Thollins. “He never misses a service,” said Thollins. “I immediately knew something was wrong.”

Bandy Royagoda, one of Dulroney’s fellow congregants, said he was concerned that Dulroney’s overzealous work ethic may have caused a psychotic break. The college president has mounted a crusade against sins at the increasingly secular SMC, cracking down on the playing of cards and holding of hands. The president even apparently tried to ban student loans, calling the practice “usurous.”

“Since the incident over at Queen’s, he’s really become on edge with even the idea of themed club nights,” said Royagoda. “It’s all really taking a toll on him.”

A number of students reported that the president, whose term expires in July, was seen anxiously pacing in Brennan Hall shortly after noon. Dulroney allegedly confronted a woman working at the Tim Hortons there, putting his hands over her ears and shouting, “You will not hear the sins!”

“It was pretty weird, territorial, and possessive behaviour,” said student Mick Smu, who sat calmly smoking in Brennan Hall, microwaving a set of books. “We haven’t seen him like this since the pool table incident last year.”

St. Mike’s Director of Miscommunications Steven Souvlaki was found by The Farcity sitting on a bench by Kelly Library in the late afternoon of April 1. Souvlaki, getting increasingly colder on campus as the day was winding down, was still waiting for a ride to church from Dulroney, who was supposed to pick him up at 10:30 am. Souvlaki took issue with the allegation that Dulroney had skipped church. “Mr. Dulroney is deeply appalled that someone would attribute such behaviour to him,” he said on behalf of the missing president.

“In addition to a retraction, the university is requesting an apology from The Farcity for printing such baseless and offensive accusations about it and its staff,” added Souvlaki as he continued to crane his neck to check if Dulroney’s car was approaching.