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A guide to getting through the school day whilst high

Grab your sunnies and seize the day: Visine and confidence are the only things you need
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Bask in the knowledge that you are blissfully high, whilst your classmates are crying U of TearsTM. SHANNA HUNTER/THE VARSITY
Bask in the knowledge that you are blissfully high, whilst your classmates are crying U of TearsTM. SHANNA HUNTER/THE VARSITY

Past a certain point, even the best things can go sour. 

Too much sun and you might find yourself burned. A litre of ice cream might make you yack.

And three fat bowls of Toronto’s finest herb might not be conducive to a boundless education.

So, let’s say, for argument’s sake, that you, dear reader, had a wild Tuesday night in and find yourself hungering for the crisp snap of the Devil’s Lettuce the morning of your lecture. 

Well you, my friend, have some options.

Before you leave the house, grab your sunglasses. 

Try to inscribe which class you have this morning in the back of your mind, so that even your subconscious simian brain can help you find it.

Spray yourself with some random perfume tester or that almost-dead deodorant lying around your room. Cross yourself to invoke the will of all that is good and holy before you step outside.

And for God’s sake, skip the Tim’s. 

No, you don’t need round glasses, a Kånken, or even a Tumblr to drink water recreationally, so take some with you. I’m talking a camel’s worth.

And please take measured steps — we don’t want any casualty reports coming from Queen’s Park Station because your legs forgot they had feet attached to them.

Once you’re at King’s College Circle, you’re only halfway there. Now would be a good time to take a swig of some of that aqua if you haven’t already.

Try hard not to smile weirdly at everyone who passes you on the streets, and try even harder not to pet every dog that walks by.

You do, however, get 10 points if you see Meric Gertler or any dogs in strollers.

You might really be feeling the munchies hit hard at this point — in that case, grab the pre-prepared snacks from your bag.

But you didn’t bring snacks because you’re a stoner, so bother that person you lived with in first year eating their lunch outside Hart House for the rest of their granola bar.

Full and satisfied, you can now saunter to your class, probably close to 30 minutes late.

Once you’re in class, find the seat at the very back in case your body chooses lethargy over learning.

Your hand-eye coordination won’t be winning you any gaming competitions at this point, so also sit behind someone typing incredibly quickly on an Apple Macbook Pro with Touchbar™ (2016, brightness turned all the way up).

This way, you just have to follow along the screen in front of you, and not the tenured, highly learned professor researching the field you’re sitting in on.

If and when you forget your pen, also bother that same person in front of you for one. Odds are in your favour that they’ll bequeath it to you. Make sure to curtsy and say, “M’lady,” in appreciation before sitting down.

If they catch you staring at the screen, or if you’re in a classroom from 1867 and there’s a laptop ban in place, have that pen and paper ready to doodle on when you get bored, 10 minutes after the fact.

It’s highly recommended, though certainly not required by any means, that you write some unpleasant facts down on your paper in case you start to get the giggles. You could even list them by severity depending on your proclivity to bust a gut.

Once you’ve nearly made it through the lecture, you’re at the home stretch. You’ll need to budget approximately 20 minutes to gather your belongings slowly, so you don’t make any loud noises.

Then zip up your bag at half the speed of light, giving the person in front of you whiplash when the class is over.

Being in the back, you can dip out of there quickly. Get onto any major street and be on the lookout for some grub ASAP. 

Your high may be fading at this point, but not to worry. You may have forgotten to give that person back their Muji pen (their loss!), and anything you were able to learn in your lecture, but you certainly didn’t forget your grinder.

Oh, and when you remember the office hours appointment you scheduled, which is in 20 minutes, feel free to finish your sesh before you go.

Apply what we’ve learned from before and you’ll be A-okay. Depending on the material, you might even be in better hands than if you weren’t high.

Who the hell wants to talk about Nietzsche when you’re sober?

But I digress. After some minimal Muji-managed notetaking (thanks to Apple Macbook Pro with Touchbar™ person) and some weak, giggle-and-paranoia-filled moments of eye contact, thank them for their time and be on your way.

By the time you make it home, you’ll be ready for the best nap of your life.

And you deserve it too. Rest your weary pothead on thy pillow, for tomorrow more challenges await.