JULIEN BALBONTIN/THE VARSITY

I won’t waste your time. If you’re reading this, you aren’t here to talk. You’re here because you need end-of-September jams so sizzling that you’ll be able to fry breakfast on your turntable, or at least warm a small child’s hands with your earbuds. And you need them now.

I hear you already: “Hold it right there, Jacob. Not that I know who you are, exactly, but I don’t have time to waste. Every moment I spend not enjoying the glorious heat of September is another moment closer to midterm season and my fast-approaching deadlines. If I’m not so relaxed that my limbs atrophy, then so help me God. What’s on this list?”

Well, here are 15 scorchers hand-picked — with oven gloves — from humid climates all over the world. Be sure that the hot classrooms of U of T are empty before you plug in your headphones.

João Gilberto, father of Brazilian music style bossa nova, is on this list because his tunes would make even Brian Wilson call a waiter over and say, “Whatever I’m drinking needs a tiny umbrella in it, stat.” Sora’s recently re-issued Re.sort will have you dabbing at your eyes with your Hawaiian shirt.

You may recognize “Riot!” by Hugh Masekela from last year, when Earl Sweatshirt, his nephew, sampled it. You may also recognize the voice in Makeout Videotape as that of a young Mac DeMarco. But are you here for names, or are you here to attain catatonic levels of chill?

These tunes speak for themselves, but for best results, you’ll want the 1961 Village Vanguard performance of “My Foolish Heart” and the Mandarin single version of “Moonset.” What? Are you trying to do this halfway? Listen, if you can hear Bill Evans’ keys flutter delicately like a feather between your toes at sunrise and not be instantly reduced to half-waking bliss, maybe summer just isn’t your season.

I know what you’re thinking: “You’re still talking, Jacob. We’ve been over this. Do you have my jams or not? Where are the jams?” And to that I say that I’m at my word count now, so here you go:

1. Bill Evans Trio, “My Foolish Heart,” live at the Village Vanguard

2. Ryo Fukui, “Early Summer”

3. Lamp, “A都市の秋”

4. IU and Oh Hyuk, “Can’t Love You Anymore 사랑이 잘”

5. Little Simz, “Selfish (ft. Cleo Sol)”

6. Tyler, the Creator, “A Boy Is a Gun”

7. Taeko Ohnuki, “4:00 AM”

8. Cléa Vincent, “Château perdu”

9. Art Blakey & The Jazz Messengers, “Are You Real?”

10. João Gilberto, “Brigas, nunca mais”

11. Elephant Gym, “Moonset月落”

12. Makeout Videotape, “Heat Wave”

13. The Kinks, “Waterloo Sunset”

14. Hugh Masekela, “Riot”

15. Sora, “Rayuela”

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