American author Jodi Picoult wrote in her book The Book of Two Ways: “Love isn’t just a feeling… It’s a choice.” This is a quote that has stuck with me throughout the years.
So often, we’re told that love is something you fall into, something that takes you on the journey of a lifetime, or something that feels new and exciting. This is true; in her theory of “positivity resonance,” psychologist Barbara Fredrickson said that when two strangers share brief moments of positive emotion — such as eye contact, a shared smile, or the telling of a personal story — it can look and feel similar to the processes involved in our idea of love.
In this sense, you don’t have the choice of who you fall in love with. You do, however, have the choice of who you stay in love with.
At first, love may feel like a hunch that becomes a jittery feeling in your stomach every time you’re with that person. But what’s new can never stay new. The average relationship lasts approximately two years and nine months, which is a long time to still have those butterflies. This shows that, once you’ve chosen someone, you need to continue to choose them to keep that love alive.
If that love is still there, this choice doesn’t have to be so difficult. It could mean remembering your love’s favourite restaurant when you go on dates, going for walks with them when you know they need a mental break, or even making them their favourite cup of tea in the morning. It’s these acts of kindness that have been proven to promote connection and intimacy in relationships, which are necessary for a healthy relationship.
Depending on the stage of your relationship, it could also mean taking your partner’s opinions into consideration when you make big decisions in your life. This, according to dating counselors, is a sign that your relationship is a priority to you. It’s choices like these that show that falling in love may be fate, but staying in love means choosing to make your partner a significant part of your life.
When it is new, love can be extremely invigorating. You can find someone who makes even the most boring things interesting, who can inspire you, and who you can’t imagine your life without. Everything becomes about them. This is more related to what you feel about your partner, rather than who they are as a person.
But the thing about falling for someone is that you’ll eventually reach the ground again. Psychologists find that romance can only grow after you stop romanticizing your partner. This doesn’t mean you have to be less passionate about them; it just means that the feeling has to come from somewhere other than being in a new relationship.
This is why some relationships end; people believe they should constantly be feeling what they felt at the beginning. What comes after the first stage of a relationship may not be as exciting, but the mission of maintaining love for someone can be just as invigorating if you choose to accept it.
What is this mission, you may ask? It’s consistency. Consistency is explored in psychologist David Schnarch’s “other-validated model of intimacy,” wherein someone’s identity is based upon their partner. When people can’t predict the behavior of their partner, they can’t validate their own identity.
Though our current model of romantic relationships has evolved from this, we still have expectations that we will receive constant acceptance, empathy, validation, and reciprocation from our partners. Because we depend on one another, a partner’s consistency is important.
These habits might not be as exciting as when you first fall for your love; to some, habit is synonymous with boredom, ordinary, or normal. But when you choose to look at your life, take notice of what might normally miss your glance: the coffee mug they always use when they come over, the refrigerator magnet the two of you bought when you went to the flea market, or the hand soap they bought because they thought it matched your charm. These little things are so easy to overlook, but they showcase how this person — who was once a complete stranger to you — has integrated themselves into your life. And how you chose to let them.
Life is only as exciting as you make it. You can choose to live in fear that the stage of butterflies in your stomach will end. Or you could choose to think about your love, and the way they’ve stayed with you, cared for you, and loved you even in your worst moments. This Valentine’s Day, remember that while fate may have brought your love to you, it’s your choices that have kept you together.
