Have you ever noticed yourself being drawn to the same type of person over and over again? Maybe it’s the mysterious bad boy, the bubbly social butterfly, the tortured artist, the deep-thinking intellectual, or the ambitious go-getter. Or perhaps it’s always the sarcastic but secretly sweet type or someone your friends warn is a red flag. If so, you’re not alone. Many of us develop a ‘type’ without even realizing it.

The existence of a dating ‘type’ suggests that our romantic preferences are not random; rather, they stem from a mix of deep-seated psychological traits, social conditioning, and evolutionary biology, all of which shape who we’re drawn to. 

Does your childhood influence your adult relationships?

One of the strongest predictors of romantic attraction is attachment style, which stems from early relationships with caregivers. According to John Bowlby’s attachment theory, people develop one of four main attachment styles that influence their romantic preferences, including:

  • Secure attachment: Comfortable with intimacy and independence; tends to have healthy relationships
  • Anxious attachment: Craves closeness but fears abandonment
  • Avoidant attachment: Values independence and may push partners away to avoid vulnerability
  • Disorganized attachment: A mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies, often resulting from severe trauma

If you find yourself repeatedly attracted to emotionally distant or unreliable people, it might be because these patterns reflect familiar dynamics from your childhood attachment. Research shows that one’s attachment style is linked to their relationship patterns as an adult.

The mere exposure effect

Another reason we keep falling for the same type is the mere exposure effect, a psychological principle suggesting that we prefer familiar things — or people. You may have heard the theory that some people are attracted to partners who share characteristics with their parents. A study published in Evolution and Human Behavior explored how childhood relationships with parents might shape attraction to certain facial features in others.

This study specifically examined heterosexual attraction, focusing on whether children preferred romantic partners who resembled their opposite-sex parent. The researchers found that children with a positive relationship with their mother or father were more likely to be drawn to faces resembling that parent in adulthood. 

So, does this mean you’re destined to date a parental lookalike? Not necessarily. The researchers suggest that the effect may arise from spending more time around close relatives, making their features more familiar and comfortable. However, if your childhood relationship was rocky, you’re less likely to develop that preference.

This challenges traditional assumptions about parental imprinting in partner preferences, suggesting that other factors may play a stronger role in attraction. 

Beyond stereotypes in same-gender relationships

Attraction is complex. A study exploring qualities of attraction in same-gender relationships found that traits like kindness, humour, and intelligence ranked highest for both men and women. Agreeableness and qualities such as being supportive and considerate were the most valued, while material success and financial stability were the least important​.

The study also debunked the idea that same-gender couples mimic traditional heterosexual dynamics, where one partner takes on a ‘masculine’ role and the other a ‘feminine’ one. Instead, people were drawn to a mix of qualities, showing that attraction isn’t confined to rigid gender roles​.

Interestingly, the research also found a pattern of ‘fatal attraction,’ where the very traits that initially draw people in later become a source of frustration. For example, a partner’s humour might later feel like a lack of seriousness, or confidence might start to seem like arrogance.

Do opposites attract or do we seek similarity?

The question of whether we are more attracted to people who resemble us or those who balance us out has been long debated, especially in pop culture. We see this in movies like The Notebook, where Allie’s refined upbringing contrasts with Noah’s working-class passion, or how Katniss and Peeta develop a strong connection, partly because they share the same background of poverty and struggle.

While you might think opposites attract because they fulfill each other’s needs, research suggests that we are more often drawn to those who are similar to us. A 2021 study found that this pattern — called positive assortative mating — happens for several reasons. For instance, people from similar backgrounds tend to meet more often and naturally prefer partners who feel familiar or compatible. Couples can even become more alike over time through shared experiences.

How media shapes our ideas about love

Whether through Disney movies, rom-coms, or social media, we are constantly exposed to messages about what love is supposed to look like. But many of us don’t know how to translate that into the real world. A lot of these portrayals idealize passion-driven attraction, like love at first sight, rather than friendships that develop into romance or relationships that may take years to progress. Some fairytales don’t acknowledge that people may have other priorities in life beyond relationships.

A study in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that media often emphasizes love at first sight over friendships that evolve into romance. However, in reality, many people prefer relationships that start as friendships. The “Friends-to-Lovers Pathway” meta-analysis found that about two-thirds of adults and university students favoured this approach over immediate attraction.

Television further reinforces these ideas. A content analysis of prime-time TV shows found that comedies depict relationship maintenance behaviours, such as open communication and shared responsibilities, more frequently than dramas. However, comedies also show more negative behaviours, which can shape viewers’ perceptions of what is ‘normal’ in relationships. 

Additionally, research on undergraduate students has shown that men and women interpret love on television differently. Women are more likely to believe TV portrayals of romance are realistic, while men are more likely to see sex on television as a reflection of real life.

Learn your patterns and keep them in mind

It’s important to ask whether an attraction is truly about compatibility or simply familiarity. Sometimes, a person might feel ‘right’ because they fit a pattern we’re used to, not because they’re actually a good match. Expanding your social circles and interacting with different personality types can help shift attraction toward healthier relationships. Taking time to truly get to know someone before jumping into a relationship can also help prevent repeating unhealthy cycles.

If you often find yourself drawn to toxic or unhealthy relationships, seeking guidance from a therapist or relationship coach can be helpful. They can help uncover hidden patterns in your romantic choices and offer strategies for building healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Attraction isn’t random; it’s shaped by psychology, biology, and past experiences. By becoming more aware of these influences, you can break free from automatic habits and make more thoughtful choices about who you pursue. For university students navigating modern dating, self-awareness is key. Recognizing these unconscious patterns can help you build relationships based on true compatibility rather than just familiarity.

So next time you feel drawn to someone, take a moment to reflect: is this true love, or just a familiar pattern playing out once again?