In recent days, we here at The Varsity newspaper conglomerate have noticed a disturbing trend. A couple of times a week, a courier knocks on our door—quite by accident—carrying a medical thermos filled with human eyes. How do we know this? Well, the thermoses in question bear a bright red label—”CAUTION: HUMAN EYES.” Now, we’ve realized that these organs are probably supposed to go to the campus cop shop downstairs, but that hasn’t done much to ameliorate the queasy visions I’ve been having of big Mason jars filled to the brim with ghostly ocular globes floating in brine. My question is: why so many eyes? Why now? Have the eyes been arriving in a steady stream all along and I’ve been too busy reading Marmaduke in the Star to notice? And why does that Marmaduke get into so much trouble? He should know that there are millions of other dogs who would kill to have such a gorgeous home and a loving, tolerant family that puts up with all his bullshit, week in, week out. So. If you know what the deal with the eyes is, tell me at I’ll sleep better at night.

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