We knew we could count on Ottawa to do the right thing. Just as this country’s potheads were rousing themselves from their bong-addled torpor, preparing to flood the streets in a tide of semi-demi-quasi-lawlessness, we hear the feds are appealing Judge Douglas Phillips’ ruling that Canada’s pot laws are no longer valid.
Things were touch-and-go for a while, though. Even now, when it seems like things might be under control, people keep saying outright decriminalization is in the works. As one Toronto Star letter writer said, before you know it we’ll be replacing the maple leaf in Canada’s flag with a big pot plant. And then what will we do? If our first-graders can’t even draw the stylized leaf we have now, how on earth will they manage the intricacies of a pot plant? Patriotism will vanish in a puff of smoke, as it were.
But that would hardly be the least of our worries. Domestic wheat and canola production would collapse, once Canadian farmers found a way to actually make money on their crops. Scores of newly unemployed cops and bikers would form marauding bandit gangs in the Rockies, laying waste to the tourist industries of Jasper and Banff. High school English teachers would begin committing suicide en masse after receiving nothing but book reports on Dr. Seuss. Not to mention the onslaught of moral decay, of masturbation and nun-raping and what-have-you…we haven’t actually conclusively linked pot to any of that yet, but better safe than sorry, no?
Good to know we’ve got plenty of firm hands on the wheel up on Parliament Hill. Still, all the tension has left me a little drained. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to kick back with a cigarette and a triple Scotch.