If there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s thinking about the future. And if you’re like me, you like to bide your time until that future comes by watching a lot of DVDs. Fear not: watch enough films, and you might find yourself equipped with enough basic knowledge to get by once adulthood rears its ugly head. Behold the five films that could change your life… though they won’t get you off your parent’s couch.
CLERKS (1994)
Foul-mouthed filmmaker and all-around lucky bastard Kevin Smith made this black-and-white cult favourite for $27,000. (And yes, I’m sick of hearing that too,.) The plot follows two slacker convenience store clerks during one long day at work as they talk about sex, Star Wars, old girlfriends, and their own stagnant lives. For Kevin Smith, this was the one that truly started it all, from the highs of Chasing Amy to the lows of Clerks 2, Jersey Girl, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Mallrats…
Lesson Learned: Always check the bathroom before you leave the store.
HARDLY WORKING (1981)
This was Jerry Lewis’ first film after a 10-year absence from the silver screen. Though tired and overweight at age 53, Jerry insisted on playing another variation on his man-child character. Here he’s an unemployed circus clown who gets fired from his many parttime jobs, ranging from gas station attendant to postal worker to Japanese chef. That particular scene featuring Jerry dressed up as a Japanese man will have you longing for the subtlety and grace of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
In between the blue-collar hilarity is a romantic subplot that, considering the age of the actor, comes uncomfortably close to necrophilia. In the triumphant conclusion, Jerry, fed up with being abused by his boss, quits his last job. We’re supposed to side with Lewis, but considering how many things get spilled and knocked over during the 90-minute running time, I think the boss showed remarkable patience. Highly recommended to those who find Jerry’s annual telethon too riveting.
Lesson Learned: When seeking employment, try not to repeatedly spill things on your prospective boss. Furthermore, be sure not to jitter spastically and yell, “Heeey LAAAAAADY!” at inappropriate moments. And please, for god’s sake, take that fucking tar out of your hair! You’re not fooling anyone, Jerry!
SUPERFLY (1972)
A cocaine dealer named Priest (Ron O’Neal) decides to get out of the business after making one last score. The problem: big money begins pouring in, and Priest can finally buy all the embarrassing ’70s fashions he’s ever wanted. There’s also some police intrigue, but I was busy listening to the awesometastic Curtis Mayfield soundtrack. Some critics have complained that this film is morally dubious, but I like to think it discourages crime, because aspiring cocaine dealers who see it will realize that they’ll never be as cool as Ron O’Neal.
Lesson Learned: “Ain’t I clean, bad machine / super cool, super mean. Feelin’ good, for the man / Superfly, here I stand”…god, I could listen to that soundtrack all day…
NOSFERATU (1922)
A lowly real-estate agent gets a chance at a promotion when he’s asked to travel to Transylvania to sell a house to Count Orlock. Little does he know that Orlock is a vampire who plans to infect him, spread the plague to his vil lage, and get it on with his wife. On the plus side, he now gets six weeks’ paid vacation.
Lesson Learned: If you tell your destination to a bunch of drunks in a tavern and they say you shouldn’t go because it’s the home of the devil, follow their advice. This is what has kept me from going to most of my classes.
PRETTY WOMAN (1992)
No, not the Julia Roberts movie. The Pretty Woman I’m talking about is a Hong Kong adults-only picture that came out the following year, starring Veronica “10-Minute Shower Scene” Yip. I bought my copy at one of those shifty DVD stores in Chinatown where the presence of a pale, skinny white boy is an unwelcome novelty.
The plot involves a sleazy businessman (Alex Fong, of Gigolo and Whore 2 fame) who rapes and accidentally kills a busty coworker (Veronica Yip). Concerned by his predicament, he hires a prostitute look-alike (also Veronica) to pretend to be his coworker and resign for her. Complications arise when Alex and Veronica inexplicably fall in love, expressed by having lots and lots of soft-core sex in positions so intricate and athletic they make Lust, Caution look like Barney’s Great Adventure. In between the exhaustive lovemaking is a gangster subplot, some kung fu battles, and, yes, a 10-minute shower scene. Overall, the best movie ever made.
Lesson Learned: Prostitution is a viable career option because it may lead to meeting your true love. And if Prince Charming comes in the form of a rapist/ murderer who hires you to cover up his crimes and insists on having sex in public gyms and tennis courts…so much the better.
