Los Angeles Lakers
The Buzz
GM Mitch Kupchak launched a pre-emptive strike on teams this summer when he signed mock rapper and proven threat Ron Artest, who is incidentally one of the league’s best defenders. Artest is “the only player in the world who can contain [Lakers superstar] Kobe Bryant,” according to basketball analyst Ron Artest. So logically, L.A. should benefit from having the self-professed “Kobe Container” instead of their best player to guard other teams’ scorers.
Prognosis
The Lakers’ supporting cast will determine just how dominant the team is this season. Fifth-year centre Andrew Bynum should emerge as a reliable scoring option and defensive presence after knee injuries impeded his progress each of the last two seasons.
San Antonio Spurs
The Buzz
The Spurs are the NBA’s most intelligent franchise on and off the court. When injuries put a halt to their playoff run last season, R.C. Buford and Gregg Popovich didn’t panic by chasing every big-name free agent on the market. Instead, they brought in veterans Antonio McDyess and Richard Jefferson to address their weakness at forward, and waited for their stars to recover from injury. While off to a slow start this season, the Spurs are the best at making winning look routine and should be in rare form soon.
Prognosis
PETA storms the Spurs’ home court and covers defamed bat-snatcher Manu Ginobili in red paint. The state of Texas sympathizes with PETA and hosts its first-ever vegan cuisine festival.
Portland Trail Blazers
The Buzz
Young, skilled, and hungry, the Blazers outplay teams at both ends of the court. While expected to join the elite ranks of the West this season, the Blazers have some underlying issues that could slow their progress. Concern still lingers over former number-one draft pick Greg Oden, who has suffered through injuries each of his first two seasons in the league. Coaches will have to monitor his minutes and continue to rely on back-up centre Joel Przybilla to pick up the slack. Another area of concern is point guard, as the Blazers have decided to slowly integrate newly acquired Andre Miller into their offense rather than start him outright. A point guard controversy won’t be far off if current starter Steve Blake outperforms Miller.
Prognosis
Portland has a point guard controversy on its hands when Andre Miller accuses Steve Blake of stealing his box DVD set of Alf season three. Coach Nate McMillan is beside himself, and decides to resolve the matter through a blind vote. His strategy backfires when Oden’s Hall & Oates: Greatest Hits CD disappears.
Denver Nuggets
The Buzz
Fans who followed Denver’s playoff run last season witnessed a talented team come into its own. Once a “gun then run” offense, the Nuggets learned to close out quality opponents late in games and watched Carmelo Anthony emerge as a leader in the process. While this team is a safe bet to win over 50 games this season, there are some weak areas it needs to address. Their biggest issue is a thin bench that doesn’t eat up enough minutes, which could leave the Nuggets starters exhausted in the playoffs.
Prognosis
Mavs owner Mark Cuban calls the Nuggets “a bunch of thugs” after they thrash his team on Celebrity Jeopardy. Cuban’s comments miff Nuggets forward Kenyon Martin, who points out that both teams were playing for the same charity.
Dallas Mavericks
The Buzz
There was a moment last year when the Mavs looked like they were done as contenders in the West. Owner Mark Cuban’s tantrum during the playoffs must have inspired Dallas management to give their team one last try. The Mavs have added three forwards (Drew Gooden, Tim Thomas, and Shawn Marion), who create a variety of match-up problems for other teams.
Prognosis
Another disappointing season pushes Cuban to the brink of madness, culminating in a proposed trade that would send his entire team to Indiana for forward Troy Murphy. Indiana counters the offer by including forward Mike Dunleavy in the trade, making Cuban come to his senses at last.
Utah Jazz
The Buzz
Utah has had its share of health problems the last two years. However, the return of Carlos Boozer should strengthen their frontcourt and more importantly reunite point guard Deron Williams with his favorite target.
Prognosis
The reunion of the NBA’s Damon and Affleck takes a horrible turn after Boozer get hammered, checks into rehab, and Williams starts hanging out with George Clooney.
New Orleans Hornets
The Buzz
It’s Emeka Okafor and Tyson Chandler part two! I felt somewhat validated in my prior assessment of the two centres when Raptors’ commentator Jack Armstrong repeatedly criticized Okafor during Friday night’s game. (Though using words like “robotic” and “adequate” to describe him might be going too far.) Whoever their centre is, the Hornets are a bad situation that could get much worse. Players have had their fill of head coach Byron Scott, wing players Peja Stojakovic and Morris Peterson are underperforming and overpaid, and then there’s Okafor, of course. With all that said, just how good is Chris Paul if most analysts consider the Hornets a playoff team?
Prognosis
Chris Paul goes above and beyond the call of duty for the Hornets. In addition to winning his first MVP, he solves the honeybee crisis and contributes to the design of the world’s most fuel-efficient car, while still finding time to spread his philosophy of love and happiness through haiku poetry. All this and New Orleans wins only 20 games.
Phoenix Suns
The Buzz
It’s no secret that Phoenix plays defence like they’re participating in the celebrity game on All-Star Weekend. But instead of covering Frankie Muniz and Michael Imperioli, the Suns are tasked with the responsibility of controlling elite players like Chris Paul and Kobe Bryant. It’s a good thing this team can score with the best of them.
Prognosis
Suns coach Alvin Gentry tries to teach his team that defence is about heart and passion. Centre Amare Stoudemire objects to Gentry’s platitudes, and argues that defence is really about profuse sweating and hours of additional practice.
Houston Rockets
The Buzz
The Rockets represent a fading ideal in professional sports today: a team that buys into the idea of team. However, with Yao Ming out for the entire year and Tracy McGrady looking uncertain, the Rockets will have a tough time keeping pace in the West.
Prognosis
The Rockets fire their trainer when forward Trevor Ariza complains of dizzy spells at the back of the team bus.
Memphis Grizzlies
The Buzz Kill
I’ve heard the expression “youth is wasted on the young” before, but the Grizzlies really should’ve given it more thought. As one of the league’s youngest teams, Memphis felt it prudent to acquire some veteran players to round out its roster, which would have been fine if those players didn’t include oedipal malcontent Allen Iverson and man-child Zach Randolph. While Iverson is clearly in decline as evidenced by his poor play and crabbiness in Detroit last season, Randolph never had it together in the first place.
Prognosis
Grizzlies coaches are optimistic when Randolph and centre Marc Gasol box out teammates at the T.G.I Fridays buffet line. That optimism begins to wane when Randolph and Gasol fail to grasp the coaches’ brownie analogy and the ball later that night.
Oklahoma City Thunder
The Buzz Kill
You really have to like Oklahoma City’s chances, just not right now. While the Thunder has a superb trio of young players, the rest of the team is expansion grade. Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, and Russell Westbrook will resemble a miracle some nights, scoring most of the team’s points and producing more wins than previous seasons in the process.
Prognosis
Forward Etan Thomas gathers the Thunder’s spare parts and leads a mutiny against the team’s coaching staff. The Thunder immediately cut Thomas and seven other players, and replace them with stand-ins from 300. Forced perspective is also used to enlarge these players.
Golden State Warriors
The Buzz Kill
Things were looking up for the Golden State three years ago, when they upset Dallas in the first round of the playoffs. Then Baron Davis left as a free agent, Monta Ellis injured himself in a moped accident, and the Warriors were back to square one. But why give GM Chris Mullen “the what for”? The Golden State has always been like a basketball purgatory, which is good if you’re Mikki Moore and astonished that you’re still playing—sort of.
Prognosis
The Warriors crash and Mullen spends the next decade confusedly pondering what comes before square one.
Los Angeles Clippers
The Buzz Kill
I have serious doubts about this franchise that go well beyond its players and coaching staff. A 25-year history of blowout loses, incompetent draft choices, and Billy Crystal for a fan can mean only one thing: the Clippers aren’t a basketball team—they’re a money laundering operation.
Prognosis
Blake Griffin and Eric Gordon uncover teammate Baron Davis’ point-shaving scheme sometime between a rerun of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! and a 150-75 loss to the Warriors. NBA Commissioner David Stern hauls off the miserly Davis, who swears he would’ve gotten away with it, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Minnesota Timberwolves
The Buzz Kill
Watching the T-Wolves play rates up there with insufferable experiences like having a root canal, or stop-and-chat with some strange acquaintance from elementary school. If you’re looking for some positivity, here goes my best shot: T-Wolves rookie Jonny Flynn has the second-best ’30s gangster name in the NBA next to Rodney Stuckey.
Prognosis
Minnesotans call a local radio station to complain about profanity and win lunch with Wolves forward Brian Cardinal by mistake. The line goes dead immediately.
Sacramento Kings
The Buzz Kill
The Kings remind me of The Odyssey only much worse. One minute it’s Chris Webber playing in game seven of the Western finals, and then fate—or an indictment for lying to a grand jury—takes him far away for a long time. Fast-forward seven years and the Kingdom of ARCO is ruled by a bunch of D-leaguers, who spend their afternoons trying to get recognized at local shopping malls.
Prognosis
Needing inspiration, the Kings rent all four Mighty Ducks movies, and learn that the biggest obstacle to winning is having no shot at all.
