“So now we’re going to start with some fun. I want to introduce our host, who was one of the finalists on NBC’s Last Comic Standing, and also is on CTV Comedy Network. So, welcome… Winston Spear!”
Winston Spear, in a suit and Santa hat, arrives onstage as “Happy Holidays” plays on the speakers. He dances slowly and mugs heavily for the song’s duration; this is one of his signature bits, it turns out. Sixty dogs and their owners have assembled in the King Edward Hotel’s ballroom for the press launch of Winter Woofstock, the first holiday edition of “Canada’s biggest dog show,” and the barking and woof-ing and arf-ing crescendos with the music.
Happy holiday, happy holiday
May the merry bells keep ringing
Make your ev’ry wish come true
“Hi everybody, welcome to Woofstock Winter,” says Spear. “Before I start, I just want you to realize my cat is in the car crying. She just can’t come. I told her, ‘You just cannot come. You realize you’re just not invited.’
“Now, we’re going to start, this is the first Winter Woofstock, so thank you for coming out and supporting it, and we’re gonna have, right now, a wonderful contest, right? We’re going to have… Jamie is going to go around, and she’s going to wander… dogs to come up to be part of this contest… uh, you can win prizes, there’s first, second, and third prizes. We’ll see, uh, learn about what each dog does, what it is, and what the costumes are, and we’ll, at the end of this evening, we’ll have a winner. So Jamie’s going around, and if you want your dogs to be in this contest… uh, we’ve got two already lined up?”
The dogs in their costumes start coming on stage, one by one, as Spear provides ad-libbed commentary and a few accredited photographers mill about. There’s a Maltese with a purple mohawk dressed as Santa, a pug in a red and black quilt, a West Highland Terrier with fur dyed green, dressed as the Grinch, and a tiny Chihuahua in a black vest that says “BITCH” who runs around the stage and tentatively crawls onto Spear’s hand. There are several puppy reindeer, and a lot of Santa dogs.
“I like the joke there — Santa Paws,” says Spear of a Sheepdog in a Santa suit. The Sheepdog sniffs the stage from left to right, and then falls off.
I’m sitting in front with the photographers, and the dogs tend to lick me on their way back to their seats. A Yorkshire Terrier licks my recorder, and another pup gets slobber on my notepad. The dogs in the audience have been barking at each other for a while now, and the music panics them further. The barking and the woof-ing and the arf-ing send the room to pandemonium, and the owners struggle to keep the pets on their laps.
I slip into the lobby, where Santa Claus is still posing for pictures. “I know this is your busy time of year, so what brings you to the Woofstock launch?”
“To bring joy to the dogs. I want to know who’s been a good dog!” Santa waves his index finger.
“You’ve been meeting a lot of dogs today. What do most of them want for Christmas? Pet treats? Squeaky toys?”
“Yes, they’ve been asking for no bones this year, but they have been requesting squeaky toys.”
Back in the ballroom, some of the dogs are having costume trouble. Bowie, a Pomeranian, knocks her crown off the stage. Nibbles, a Yorkshire Terrier with a gift box on its back, keeps losing her balance. A Hanukkah dog’s owner has to hold his little felt Menorah in place. By now, Spear is nearly inaudible over all the barking. He seems a bit tired, too. “Hunter and Lola! Dressed up like people… in some sort of a way!”
A woman brings up her Yorkshire Terrier dressed in a Santa jacket with red mesh skirt and big, sparkly wings, among other shiny frills. The woman is wearing a red leather jacket and black dress, with faux-diamond necklace and earrings. She has lipstick and mascara, and her silver hair is gelled into spikes. She is almost as made-up as her dog.
“This is Princess. She’s a Christmas angel.”
“Princess the Christmas angel,” says Spear.
“But some people tell me she looks more like a Victoria’s Secret angel, so I’ll take that as well.”
Spear follows Princess around. “She’s, uh… got a lovely, um, fluffy sleeve… a nice skirt… red and white ball things… and, a nice little shiny, uh, hairband. Very nice.” The terrier wanders around some more, until the woman gets on her knees and raises it by its paws. She rocks its little body to the music, and waves its little paw at the audience, and smiles a proud smile. She loves it so much. The dog’s eyes widen, and it struggles to break away.
“Alright, who’s ready for some Stupid Dog Tricks?” says Nathan Macintosh, host of Woofstock’s Main Stage festivities. There is much barking, woof-ing, and arf-ing.
“Remember, that’s Silly Dog Tricks,” says the woman next to me to her son.
In the front row, an Airedale Terrier in a red bandana catches the eye of a Cocker Spaniel in the aisle seat. The two dogs circle and stare at each other for a while. They size each other up.
“Winners get a DVD of Disney’s The Search for Santa Paws, which I didn’t even know ‘til now was a movie, but there it is…”
The Terrier raises a paw and barks. The Spaniel jumps back, and the Terrier darts forward. “Hey! Hey! Rocky! Relax!” says the owner, pulling the leash. “Sorry, he gets a little excited.”
“And what’s your dog’s name?” Macintosh asks a thirty-ish woman.
“Caitlin.”
“Caitlin. And what’s your dog gonna do?”
“She’s going to weave through my legs.”
“She’s going to weave through your legs. Okay, let’s watch it happen.”
The woman positions the dog between her legs and waits. She lifts her right leg, but the dog stays put. She pushes the dog, and it moves a little, but stops when she raises her next leg.
In the front row, more dogs have appeared. Peter, a Maltese puppy, sniffs the Cocker Spaniel’s butt, while a Brittany Spaniel and another Maltese orbit them. Rocky, briefly abated by a chew toy, perks up, runs forward and barks. Their owners pull on their leashes, nodding and exchanging pleasantries.
“And what’s your dog gonna do for us?”
“She’s going to play the bongos.”
“Wow — this dog is gonna play the bongos, everyone!”
I get up and wander through the vendors. You can buy your dog a hoodie, or pants, or a toque, or a bandana with a sassy saying. “Who’s the boss?” “Bitches love me.” “Don’t just stand there — pet me!” “Get your nose out of my butt!”
Nearly everyone has a dog, and most of them are in costumes. A lot of T-shirts, and a lot of hoodies, and a whole lot of little Santa dogs, some with jingling bells. There’s one Chihuahua dressed as Elvis, and another wearing blue jeans. There’s a hole in the back, though. Dogs can’t take off their pants to poop.
“Finally… DOG BOOTS! Your dog will love them and so will you!”
Someone has spilled popcorn on the carpet, and a bulldog with a “Security” T-shirt slobbers it up. Its owner yanks the leash to move it along. Another owner loses control of a leash when a Labrador Retriever rushes a water dish, and it spills everywhere. “Sorry… looks like he thought it was a swimming pool.”
Many dogs try to fight each other. “rrrrrAAAAFF! rrrrrAAAAFF!” They knock off their hats and bells.
Little turds fall on the carpet. “Jack, Jack… oh god, he’s shitting… Jack!” A clean-up crew materializes, and all that’s left is a small brown stain.
I return to the Main Stage, where Macintosh is now hosting “Mr. & Ms. Canine Canada.” It’s the usual parade of Santa dogs and angel pups until a familiar woman in a red leather jacket appears. “Her name is Princess and she’s a Yorkshire Terrier.”
Princess runs around the stage for a while, once again decked out in her glittery wings and shiny jewellery. The woman beams with pride.
“Well, look at that,” says a judge. “It’s interesting what nineteen dollars will get you.” They laugh.
“Yeah, I’d like to see its summer wear,” says another. The woman grins a pained grin and chuckles a pained chuckle.
Once Princess is gone, I put on my coat to leave. On the speakers, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” has given way to “Jingle Bell Rock.”
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring
Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun
Now the jingle hop has begun
On the way out I pass the lady with the red coat, already heading to the exit. Her high heels click and clack on the cement floor. She cradles her dog in her arms; she loves it so much.
