What to do
You can do more than cry alone with pizza (though that’s an option too)
Sing a ballad to the person who broke your heart, or perhaps a crowd-pleasing singles anthem to an audience of adoring listeners. Or watch people drunkenly embarrass themselves to feel better about yourself! Last year, I went to Heartbreak Karaoke at Supermarket in Kensington and performed a simply breathtaking rendition of the Weather Girls’ classic “It’s Raining Men” with my girlfriends, complete with spoken word introduction and awkward musical breaks — I never looked back.
Admittedly not the classiest option, I highly recommend that this action be taken in solitude. Once you’ve found a rock to hide under, release all your sadness with a good sob — sniffles, hiccups, uneven breathing and all — cursing the universe for causing your crippling grief. You might consider shouting to further express your heartache, declaring, for example, “I’M SO ALONE!” Be sure to nicely stretch out that last syllable. Tissues highly necessary, wearing non-waterproof mascara to create dramatic black tears highly encouraged.
Who knows? Next Valentine’s Day, you could be attached (don’t scoff — the universe works in mysterious ways)! Why not forget the whole silly affair this year and be super productive instead? Rather than a red velvet box of chocolates and a new bottle of perfume you don’t like, have some real accomplishments to show for February 14 this year.
Take advantage of the spectacle of Valentine’s Day to positively highlight your own singleness in order to attract the attention of other singles seeking to couple up. Go out at night (avoiding, of course, restaurants advertising couples’ specials for Valentine’s Day) and look around for someone else who is also looking around. Put yourself out there on the one night of the year that it’s not utterly desperate to begin a conversation by lamenting your relationship status. Slink over to the hottie at the bar and say something like, “(Sigh), Valentine’s Day. Am I right?” Hottie laughs, you laugh, you introduce yourself, he proposes. It could happen.
Gather up all your single friends and celebrate your independence. Heart-shaped chocolates? Sure, because you HEART yourself! Cards? Absolutely — Dear ME, Keep on being awesome, Love, ME. Gifts? Who better to pick out a gift for you than YOU? Go for dinner, toast to yourselves, and enjoy being without the relationship troubles you’re bored listening to at coffee dates with your non-single friends. Personalize the evening with gifts such as non-sexy, super comfy undergarments and Chicken Soup for the Single’s Soul (it exists). Drunkenness optional, tears FORBIDDEN.
Five faces to expect
A tour of the five people you might encounter when the day arrives
In grade school, this person brought in Tweety-themed cards to sweetly distribute to everyone. Perhaps at office parties, this person will bring a red bow and arrow, doused in feathers and hearts, to shoot at unsuspecting co-workers. The Enthusiast just loves Valentine’s Day — not as a day to celebrate love between two people but just as a day to celebrate love of the world in general. What better way to rejoice in love for everyone and everything than to wear red, give out cards featuring cute animals hugging each other or stuffed bears holding hearts, and eat your weight in heart-shaped chocolates and sweethearts candy? Everything is heart-shaped and chocolate and cute and great!
“Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday created by corporate fat-cats to pander to the love-starved masses so that they will buy gluttonous amounts of chocolate and cards with stock photos of kittens on them,” is something you might hear from the Cynic. No, it is not because they have no one to share this special day with that they are so against it; it is because there is nothing special about this day at all, so please, stop mentioning it, because it is a sickening testament to American greed and commercialization, etc.
Nope, this person has not heard of that strange holiday to which you refer because they have been far too busy with other things, such as going to the gym and getting straight A’s, but they sincerely hope you enjoy celebrating it. This person opts not to acknowledge this holiday, preferring to happily engage in a state of denial and go about business as usual. Also displays mild risk of privately crying at some point in the day. What? Valentine’s Day? No, sorry, I don’t care for such petty things.
Far less easy to encapsulate in under 100 words, the Couples display varying behaviours, which borrow from other V-Day types. Some go the route of the Enthusiast, purchasing lavish gifts for one another and planning elaborate dates. Others go for more of a denier’s approach, laughing that V-Day is not really on their radar and they won’t be exchanging gifts or anything over the top. These people are nonetheless in a fundamentally different situation than all the others we’ve met so far because being two, rather than one, they likely lack the underlying bitterness we might expect in the others.
While a handful might temporarily lose their minds on this sacred holiday, many really won’t care all that much, continuing to function perfectly fine and being generally content. They will likely continue to accept chocolate if some is offered.