In an effort to make your weekends more enjoyable on campus, whether you have no life like us here at the Varsity or you’re just desperately trying to find a reason not to write that essay on the vital conflict of the Glorious Liberation Of The People’s Technocratic Republic Of Vinnland By The Combined Forces Of The United Territories Of Europa, the Varsity presents TV Party!, a ramshackle collection of show reviews, listings, interviews with people who don’t care and so on. In celebration of the joke this feature is, we present sitcoms, those loveable half-hour stints where you forget your own miserable existence by laughing at someone else’s. If you want the actual channel, look it up yourself. What are we? TV fuckin’ Guide?
DOCTOR DETROIT (CTV Friday, January 11—Late Show)
Completely ignoring our idea of focusing on sitcoms, we have to mention this flick, ’cause it stars Dan Aykroyd trying to be hip! How funny is that? “Accented” by Howard Hesseman (DJ Johnny Fever on WKRP—no one should know that, but I strangely do), Donna Dixon and the ever-annoying Fran Drescher. The plot? A wimpy college professor becomes embroiled with pimps, prostitutes and underworld intrigue. Isn’t that better than picking your ass at the Brunny?
The Simpsons (Friday, January 11—6-6:30, 10-10:30, CMFT)
…Like you didn’t know that one already? Did you know that in some middle American college there’s actually a Simpsons course? Seriously! It covers, like, looking at life through their eyes, or the lessons of life or some philosophical junk like that. All it really means is that you get a degree for watching The Simpsons! You almost want to bless CFMT for blatantly exploiting this show to get ratings. But then again, they also “boast” crap like Everybody Loves Raymond, Third Rock From The Sun and Sister, Sister (some retarded series in the award-winning 12:39-1:10 am time slot. Just when you should be out drinking and hitting on Olga the bartender. I hope the guy who developed THAT show got canned.)
Let’s face it. Aside from hawking The Simpsons like CFMT, Global is like those CDs at the bottom of the bargain bin in HMV. You wonder who the hell would’ve bothered. We’re not wasting time on it.
While the CBC is kind of a sitcom in itself, it provides some of the best coming-down shows of the evening. One can wail away in fits of methamphetamine-fuelled laughter at Mr. Dressup clodding around his “house” with strange costumes and puppets at 6 a.m. Saturday. For those really tweaked moments when the alcohol dispels and you’re full of pure LSD, Sesame Park (a shitty franchise of…guess friggin’ who!) blasts out the A-B-C’s at 6:30. And what else do you need by that hour, but to learn how to communicate with the straight world again, right?
Survivor 3. Where are they again? Oh yeah, Africa. It’s funny how instead of proudly watching this finale with friends at a bar, most fans will make the end of season three a solitary affair (“What’s that? No, I wasn’t watching Survivor. There was a commerical during Friends”). We say don’t hide it. Flaunt your love affair with televised crapulence. Proudly tune in at 8 EST tonight to see the final four become the final one. We know you like it. Don’t hide it. Scream it from the rooftops! I love Survivor and I don’t care who knows it!”