I admit a doctor shouldn’t laugh about medical problems. But you’ll understand why I couldn’t stop chuckling when I ran across this malady. And I hope this column may prevent someone from becoming victim number 68. Besides, it’s time women had a chance to laugh about men.
When the patient was admitted to the hospital emergency department at 1:00 A.M. he was in obvious distress. But examining doctors were puzzled and unable to make an immediate diagnosis.
The patient was pale, nervous and agitated. His skin was cold and clammy. Assuming he was in shock, physicians quickly made a thorough examination for blood loss. They were shocked at what they found. The man’s penis was markedly swollen, measuring seven inches in diameter. The patient was transferred to the operating room for removal of a massive blood clot.
But the $64.00 question was how the injury occurred? The man was reluctant to explain, but eventually revealed the bizarre circumstances. He had been masturbating vigorously when he heard a sudden snap followed by intense pain and swelling of his penis.
The diagnosis? A fractured penis. And this patient had the distinction of being the 67th such case to be reported in world medical journals. How did the other 67 cases occur? The circumstances surrounding these were the cause of my laughter.
Making love can certainly be hazardous to your health. For instance, one Romeo was enjoying intercourse in a vertical position. He must have been quite a lover because his partner suddenly fainted. Her precipitous fall fractured his penis. The moral? Lie down to make love.
One would think that guarding sheep in a pasture would be an extremely safe job. But it is mandatory you keep your mind on your work. Dr. Ashraf, a urologist at Penderfields General Hospital in Wakefield, England, reported several cases of the fractured male organ syndrome in the 1978 Journal of Urology. One of his patients was an 18 year old shepherd. Apparently the young man was sitting in a tree watching his sheep. But he fell asleep and alas, his mind wandered from sheep to women. He developed an erection, fell out of the tree and landed on a wooden bar. He too suffered a fractured penis.
A 26 year old man’s honeymoon came to an abrupt and traumatic end. He became so overwhelmed with passion during sex that his penis slipped, striking his brides hard pubic bone. Both parties heard a sudden clicking sound and stared in utter amazement at the bent penis. The man was so embarrassed he refused to go to hospital. Six weeks later he returned to his physician with a still slightly bent penis. Another newlywed fractured his organ while rolling over in bed during erection.
Dr. T.L. Arnold reported several other cases in the 1977 Journal of Urology. He concluded that such traumatic injury occurs only when the penis is erect. The most common cause was a direct blow to the penis or the bending of it.
Some males suffered this discomfiting malady because they didn’t have a flashlight. They bumped into a chair or bed during the night. Others had been kicked during a fight. And one man’s penis had been broken during the attack of an animal.
Some scenario’s require a vivid imagination. For example, one Casanova was romancing his partner in a moving car. But during intercourse the car made a sudden stop. He was thrown against the dashboard and another bent penis resulted. In another instance, the erect penis struck the saddle knob of a motorcycle. Still another slammed his penis in a car door. That certainly takes considerable skill and planning.
How is the penis fractured? The tissues of the male organ are surrounded by a tough fibrous sheath called the tunica albuginea. This becomes thinner during an erection. A sudden strain or blow can tear it, causing the snapping sound.
Treatment depends on the severity of the injury. The majority of patients require pressure dressings, ice packs and anti-inflammatory drugs to decrease swelling. A catheter is frequently needed to enable the patient to void. And some urologists have used tongue depressors as a form of splint. Needless to say tranquilizers are usually required to calm the patient and to avoid further erections for several days!
World medical literature indicates that patients can normally resume intercourse in about eight weeks. It provides no further advice. But I’m sure these Don Juan’s resumed sex with a great deal of caution. I’m equally certain that the shepherd now sleeps with at least one eye open. And great lovers should be prepared to catch the fair damsel who faints during upright sex. To all males! Roll over in bed very, very carefully during an erection!
