With the interim helm of U of T now handed over to Frank Iacobucci, the entire campus feels more safe and serene, ready to settle into the routine of the school year. We are once again the world-class educational and research facility that attracts the best minds in the world. Don’t get too cosy, though. Becoming too enamoured of our new President’s considerable talents and charms will only set you up for feelings of abandonment in Spring, when a new President will be chosen to shake rich folks’ hands for us for the next four-year period (at least we hope it will last that long).
So who will this new figurehead be? The Varsity has decided to take a proactive attitude to the issue by suggesting a few prospective candidates.
The outgoing Chancellor of the University of California at Berkeley. As the Birg moves in, Robert M. Berdahl will need a place to go, right? This cleft-chinned wonder oversaw a period of amazing growth at his sunny institution, undertaking $900 million in campus retrofits and renovations alone and helping its library regain its former preeminence. His tenure also saw the greatest period of growth in private philanthropy in UC Berkeley’s history. Berdahl can clearly pull in the cash needed to complete construction of new buildings like the Faculty of Pharmacy and refurbish Sid Smith. His personal webpage says he’s returning to teaching; we say, screw that. Come lead us.
The President of the ROM. Let’s face it, U of T as it stands is architecturally challenged. What we need is a president who isn’t afraid to rip down tired, rusty old designs with lots of rich history and replace them with huge crystal spikes. First thing to go should be the SAC building/abandoned Observatory, with its spray paint and its silly plaque, reminding us of old failures-they clearly could use a stainless steel obelisk. Just so long as he has restraint enough not to pour funds into postmodern collages like the Wolfond Centre for Jewish Campus Life, we’d be entering our own “renaissance”.
The Dean of Athletics at U of T. Someone like Bruce Kidd, Dean of Phys. Ed., might be a good fit for U of T President. He is a very friendly and gracious with his time, and never stops fighting for a good cause. He has battled sexism, racism and unfair labour practices during his career, so going on to battle SAC and the Governing Council would seem to be his next logical step. Kidd has helped bring about the probable resuscitation of Varsity Stadium, so he has definitely shown he knows how to get things done.
Jabba the Hut or Harrison Ford. Jabba has shown many times over that he knows how to get people to step in line, and his firm governing style would be a welcome change from decades of liberal leadership at U of T. What benefactor or alumnus would fail to come to our fundraisers and write handsome cheques? If we can’t get him, though, Harrison Ford might be all right-he’s played two of the most beloved characters in Hollywood, and he’d be the only prez to be one of People Magazine’s Sexiest People.
Martha Stewart. Instead of doing five-to-ten in a cramped and totally wicker-free prison, Martha should just do seven years as decorator-in-chief of our fine institution. Think of the immediate and sweeping improvements we would experience: doilies on every cafeteria tray, antique settees for Robarts’ reading rooms, massages and crème brûlèe after every exam. C’mon Martha, U of T is way better than prison, and you’re slightly less likely to be knifed with a sharpened toothbrush.
Woody Harrelson. Hey, he’s always in Toronto anyway. And we wouldn’t need to pay any more yoga instructors; this would free up a considerable sum to pour into pilates, which at least tones your abs.
Don Cheadle. Unlike Birgeneau, this guy actually has something to back him up when he says he’s in touch with minority issues. He’s one of the most influential African-American actors ever, possibly more than even Sidney Poitier. And if you think that’s not enough, as an actor, he has the skills both of pretending he’s a university president, and knowing the art of the schmooze.
Don Cherry. His Plaidness is out of work as the 2004 NHL season implodes, so why shouldn’t he come and vent his windy, belligerent patois at Simcoe Hall instead? Sure, he’s totally unqualified and definitely wouldn’t get along with the pointy-headed intellects, but Governing Council meetings would be all rock-em sock-em, all the time.
