What the fuck? Do I have the sign “rich yuppie loser” on my forehead? Does the dilapidated state of my house signify the enormous wealth that I have to throw around on new bicycles? You must have seen my house, since you stole my bike from my front porch. Did my landlord make a big mistake by renovating the porch, giving you the idea that I had suddenly come into an inheritance?
I can’t understand people whose forays into crime are limited to the theft of items that yield about $50-$100, the loss of which causes so much grief to their owners. Did you assume that I could not be a student, since I live in the scintillating up-and-coming community of Leslieville, rather in the bougie hipster confines of Bloor and Spadina? Did you see a fancy SUV in my parking spot? Did you see any car?
I’m sorry, but people who steal bikes are the scum of the planet. If I were rich I’d probably have a car. I don’t. I can’t afford it. I bike because it’s cheaper than buying a Metropass (no, the $12 discount doesn’t really do it for me). A $250 bike will last me two years, compared with $2160 for two years on the TTC. I also do it because it tones my butt and leaves a smaller ecological footprint, but I do it mainly because cycling is the cheapest way to commute if you’re more than a twenty-minute walk from campus.
Well, aren’t I a sucker. You’ve just forced me to take the Shit Rocket, which forces me to get up a half hour earlier to make it to class, and to beg my poor college for a larger grant. Now they’ll have less money to give to someone who’s really in need. You just have no idea of the butterfly effect your actions will have.
Thanks, asshole. I hope you enjoy your $50.
