I’ve never had a Halloween, not a real one anyway. The one attempt I’ve made (with fellow inmates at the boarding school I attended) resulted in the sum total of one piece of moldier-than-usual blue cheese, a few doors slammed in faces, and a half-hour lecture from the school’s staff about the ill-advisability of celebrating such an anti-Christian occasion. The opportunity has now passed, and Halloween is ruined for me forever. What’s more, Halloween is far too controversial a ‘holiday’ — this year, Canadian pastor Paul Ade has started a movement called JesusWeen that involves giving out Bibles in place of candy. That’s a conversation I’m not going to risk. So there’s no trick-or-treating for me then. And all I wanted was some candy.