To be in a romantic relationship is undeniably compelling — nearly all of us want it at some point in our lives. At least, we feel like we should want it, and why wouldn’t we? In this highly individualistic society, a romantic relationship provides us with another person who we can depend on. 

You are devoted to each other, potentially share a home, have a dog, maybe kids — the list goes on. Being in a romantic relationship is an agreed-upon shorthand for having someone who will help you deal with the stress of life, someone who will prioritize you and your relationship above all else. 

The line between friendship and romance appears at first glance to be clearly defined. You might be friends with your romantic partner, but you’re definitely not romantic with your friends. In heteronormative societies, the core friendships in people’s lives are between them and members of their same gender, while their romantic partners are people of the opposite gender, forming a clear distinction between the two.

As a lesbian and for many other queer people, this distinction is no longer as apparent; my closest friends are women and my hypothetical romantic partner would presumably be a woman as well. Another common difference between friendships and romance is sex and physicality, but as an asexual person, that is not a factor in my life either. Regardless, friendship can be just as fulfilling as romantic relationships — it just depends on how we frame its value.

The role of friendship remains unstable 

If romantic relationships are defined by a commonly agreed set of norms about how those relationships function, friendships are left nebulous and uncertain unless clearly defined by the participants. In a monogamous romantic relationship, it is implicit that you are each other’s ‘person’ and love them dearly.

From the media we consume to popular culture around us, romance is placed above friendship in almost every aspect of our lives. We can see this when eight of Billboard’s top 10 songs of both 2023 and 2024 featured romantic themes.

What is a friendship then? There is no clearly defined role for how a friend functions in our lives. A friend can vary from someone you grab a quick lunch with to someone who knows you and supports you better than anyone else. A friend can be a major source of community and support, but that close relationship is not implicit in the word ‘friendship’ the way it is with ‘romance.’ In Canada, for example, it is much easier to designate legal responsibilities and benefits such as healthcare between spouses or common-law partners. While romantic relationships have a place in our legal system, a friend is seen as too arbitrary to define. 

Queering friendship

In our modern day, there is pressure to avoid burdening your friends and to never ask too much of them. Where it is socially acceptable to expect a romantic partner to take care of you when you are sick, it can feel like too much of a burden to ask that of your friends. Yet, when I have been at my lowest, it has been my friends who have helped me, even at an inconvenience to themselves, and I would gladly do the same for them.

My best friend is one of my favourite people in the world. We live together, we share resources, and I want to be a part of her life for the rest of mine. We don’t have a physical component to our relationship, but our friendship otherwise appears to fulfill many of the established norms of a romantic relationship. Where do we draw the line between friendship and romantic relationships?

The difference, I argue, is intent. The way that society is structured provides an accepted script and infrastructure for the role of romance but not for friendship, which is not taken as seriously. If we make a conscious effort to prioritize the friendships in our lives, would those friendships not become as important and fulfilling as we currently hold romance up to be?

There is only such a stark divide between friendship and romance because we have constructed one — and we can deconstruct it as well. 

If we let ourselves be a burden to our friends, and let them burden us in return; if we take our friends out to dinner and co-parent a cat with them; if we create a framework in which we treat our friendships with as much care and priority as we currently afford romantic relationships, we won’t feel such pressure to fit ourselves into a romantic relationship in order to feel complete. 

The line between friendship and romance is fake. Let’s do what we want with it.

Joni Maguire is a first-year student at Victoria College studying English and creative writing. They are an editor for LOAD and The Muse Magazine.